Tilly's Five in Five:

Let's play a little game we're going to call five in five. Five of my biggest pet peeves all occurring within a 5 minute stinking time span:

1. Awkward door holding. If I'm like 50 feet away, just let the damn door close. I've got an arm, actually two. And last I checked they both work just fine. Therefore, I think that I can handle opening the door all by me lonesome. Because all you do by holding the door for an unnecessarily extended period of time is make me feel like I have to rush to get inside, so I clumsily run to enter the building through the door that you so graciously have been holding open for, say, 7 minutes, waiting for me to get there, thinking that you are being chivalrous, when, in fact, you are really just being a nuisance. And then I'm all "THANK YOU!!!" As if you just gave me a new and functioning ipod or something (because my flipping piece is on the flipping fritz for the flipping fifteen-thousandth time). For future reference, just go about your business, and I will go about mine. Thanks.

2. Talking loudly on cell phones is bad enough, but foreigners talking loudly in another language on cell phones goes above and beyond my capacity for living. Maybe it's because I feel left out. Maybe it's because I attempt to play "name that country" and fail miserably. Maybe it's because I have a hangover the size of Rhode Island. Speaking of, someone literally told me the other day that Rhode Island is not actually an island. Whoa, genius. I went to 4th grade as well. Where was I...foreign cell phone talkers. Is it some sort of thrill, pulling one over on us EFL's? Is this some conspiracy against me for not learning more than two languages? Can they not see or feel the stank eye that is penetrating from my skull to theirs? I guess not. Humph.

3. White socks and sandals. I will NEVER understand this. I literally cannot respect you Mr.Scientist Man. It matters not that you are curing cancer and identifying cells in DNA topoisomeres or whatnot...I can't stop looking at your damn socks/sandals combo and, therefore, I cannot take you seriously. Mandals are bad enough as it is, but SOCK MANDALS?? Really? You're really going to do this? If your feet are too cold for the mandals, just wear shoes. Is this too much to ask? Is it? Is it?

4. Unnecessary elevator convo's. He says it better than I. But, yeah, just had another one. And, yes, the elevator goes from the basement to the first floor to the second and then, you guessed it, the third, etc. Thanks for asking.

5. People saying "Happy Birthday" 5 times in 30 seconds. And by people, I mean my boss. And by my boss I mean that guy who is already an uncomfortable enough person as it is. Who then must continue the awkwardness by asking how old I am. Which then causes me to blush?? Why? I do not know. Am I embarrassed that today is the anniversary of my birth? I didn't think so, but my rosacea is singing a slightly different tune. Typically I try to ignore it [the birthday] until I get drunk and then I tell every.fucking.person that I see. Cab drivers...bouncers...bathroom occupants...my door man...cashiers...bartenders (for obvious reasons that usually pay off)...my mother(?)... your baby...that dog...uh, that guy. You get it. Btdubs, is there a problem with the fact that the shots I tend to order and be ordered (even without requests) tend to be "Purple Hooters" and "Red-headed Sluts?" Yes? Really? Shocker.

Thanks for playing. Carry on.