Tilly's Life AFTER the Master Cleanse Will Include:

1. No waiting in LINE for 30 minutes to get into a CLUB. Whaaat?
2. No consuming 4 Margaritas, 2 V&T's, 4 shots...BEFORE going out.
3. No half cab slash half walks of shame because you only have $6.
4. No randoms giving you their card while boldly stating, "Give me a call if you ever want to learn how to ride a Harley."*
5. While waiting in line for the WOMEN's room, No 300lb., 50-year-old MAN will exit said room, wave his hand in front of his nose and casually instruct you, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Whew-wy." Maybe next time you will heed his warning, genius.
6. No cabbies will force you to sit up front and then ask you out, thus requiring you to get out a few blocks prematurely (risking your life!) in order to protect your identity and living whereabouts.
7. No "cash only" honkitonk bars will be visited where there is BAR SOAP in the bathroom and cracked-out Fraggle Rocks playing on stage. Yeah, there would be none of that. But, really, there would because it was pretty awesome.
8. No REAL numbers will be exchanged with dbags who can't take a hint. And by a hint I mean flirting right back and agreeing to be taken on a date.
9. No families lives will be ruined after being forced to listen to you and your friend's trucker mouths detail the debauchery of the previous evening, leaving them to conclude that their precious little girl is never leaving the house.
10. No drunken text messages will be sent to people who now need to get the 'ol delete from the 'ol phone.
11. No movies starring Hillary Duff, Heather "Amanda" Locklear, and Mr.Big will be viewed. Okay, fine. They totally still will.
12. No ID's or wallets will be lost in cabs and/or during late-night 7-11 runs for Twizzlers.
13. No more shame spiral.

Basically, all will be good and well in the world once again. Well, in my world that is.

*Okay, first off, who's to say that I don't ALREADY know how to ride a hog. Fine. I don't. But still. Second, he did not utter one word to me prior to the aforementioned line. Thirdly, whaat? Wait, what?