Where Are They Now? I know, I know! They’re all Scientists!! Duh.

After hours upon hours of research, mainly involving growing up in the 80's and now working with Biochemists and other Scientist people, I have discovered where many 80's sitcom characters have gone to die. That or move on with their un-celebrity-filled lives. And they were right under my nose the whole time!

1. Buddy Lembeck: Apparently “Charles in Charge’s” BFF has been OD’ing on the Ginkgo Biloba for the past 20 years. He is now curing cancer rather than trying to make out with Nicole Eggert. Hmmm…He may want to re-think that one.

2. Screech: He’s got the look down to a science (no pun intended)…hair, bright shirt tucked in to short pants, etc. Throw in Lisa Turtle and Kelly Kapowski, and Zoink! He’s even got the distorted/contortioned expression to boot. Especially when he’s carrying chemicals in beakers and wearing his lab coat. Picture perfect.



3. Balki Bartokomous: Okay, there’s like 3 of them. But one in particular, who ironically, just came into my office asking for “coopier pa-pay,” flips my shit each time I see him. Now, if only we knew where Cousin Larry Appleton was…

4. Ramona Quimby: I know, I know, she’s not an 80s sitcom star, but seriously, she works here. She’s like an amateur detective on the side too. It looks like she cut her own hair, while tripping on acid and riding a roller coaster. Awkward in all ways…dresser, talker, even walker. She needs help. Maybe the Sweet Valley High twins could give her a makeover of sorts. Too bad they’re too hott to be scientists.

5. Paul Pfeiffer: Oh, we’ve got loads of these guys over here. Not surprisingly. They’re basically all the Paul Pfeiffer type—super smart, shy, no mojo, still play Dungeons & Dragons, thick/dark glasses behind which they conveniently hide, cowering posture, do the quick-no-teeth-smile/look-away when I say hi in the hall. Just plain sweet. Nerds, but sweet.

6. Vicky from Small Wonder: She doesn’t look ALL that much like her, but she’s an effing know-it-all and her “computer” seems to crash more often than not, which in effect causes other malfunctions. Most importantly, me wanting to punch her in the face and rip her “control pad” out of the back of her weird dress/apron thingy. And kick her chubby “brother” square in the junk.

7. That big/bully guy from ‘Parker Lewis Can’t Lose’: He gave me a ride to the train the other night from a work BBQ and seriously, I did a double take. Interestingly enough, I have met the real “Larry Kubiac” before. At an ‘Ugly Cassanova’ show in NYC. Rando slash Awesome. I think GoatBoy bought him a drink and made nicey-nice. Figures. Oh, and apparently he is on ‘ER’ now. Who knew?

8. Alvin: Sandra’s husband from the Cosby Show. I mean, I REALLY think it is him. Along with becoming a scientist after the show, he also picked up the habit of dousing himself with “Sex Panther” each morning before coming into the lab/office. And apparently, this shit has the staying power of white on rice, or something else comme ca.

9. Alf: FINE. He doesn’t work here. But how fun would that be?!!?

10. Carla from Cheers: Now, I didn’t really watch this per say…I’m not THAT old. I mean, I am, but whatev. We didn’t have cable then. But Carla, yeah, she’s like old, yet young. It’s strange. Curly cues all over the place, snide laugh, mom pants, etc.

11. Carol Seaver: How could we forget about her. But this girl is Carol circa big red glasses, curly ‘fro days, not anorexic/convict Carol. She’s always got that pout sorta thing going on and when she eats lunch at the same time as us, you can tell she wants to sit WITH us, but instead sits to the side and listens, occasionally throwing in conversation about her “experiments” or her “particles.” Basically stuff I don’t understand. So I tell her she looks fat and she runs away.

12. Generic Exchange Students: I can’t quite recall any particular ones, but we KNOW there were. So, basically, the rest of the folks here are, how do you say, foreign. Like, all of them, really. They could make up their own post, but we’ll do a quick synopsis:
a. Long Dick [Duk] Dong: does this whole bowing thing before he enters any office. Looks like he’s afraid, yet simultaneously being respectful. He also hovers outside the door until the office owner acknowledges his existence, rather than, say, speaking.
b. French chick from ‘Better Off Dead’: Okay, so this lady isn’t French, but hell, I can’t think of anything else. What she is, though, is fucking annoying. She seriously needs to shut.her.trap, before I shut it for her.
c. German exchange student: She’s pregnant. Like uber-preggo. And short. She’s like one of those exercise balls at the gym. The ones with the utters/arm things. Yeah, yeah. Exactly like that. And pronounces “jalepeno” with a hard “j.” AND she has a lisp. Weird, weird, and more weird. Plus, I met her husband at the aforementioned BBQ and he looks, get this, EXACTLY THE SAME! I’m not even kidding. I had to stifle my laugh when we were introduced. He also looks like a grown-up version of the kid from Jerry McGuire. That or Chicken Little. And he has a lisp too!! Hot damn. That baby is going to one cool cat.

So, there you go. Mystery solved.