Things I did not need to do/see/say/hear/feel/taste this weekend:

1. Pigeons doing it on the "L" tracks. Seriously. Watching the "mating ritual" was unnecessary in and of itself. He was a persistent little fucker, which, in the end, led to a notch on his feathers. Nice pull. At least somebody is getting some.

2. Eat approximately 4-12 (lost count) pieces of elongated meat cooked over a questionable grill using fireplace utensils as spatulas/tongs.

3. Walk my bike up seventeen miles of a rocky, gnarly, rooty 90 degree hill/mountain in 90+ temps. No matter what HubbyYuppie says, it was NOT a bike trail. Not even a hiking trail. We would have been more successful had we brought a machete.

4. Drink Busch Light. That could suffice. But, starting at 9am. Yeah, that wasn't necessary.

5. "Wouldn't it be cool if you could take a picture AND record sound at the SAME time?!! Yeah, that'd be so awesome....wait a minute....Nevermind." [Slumps in corner.] Luckily, no one was listening anyway.

6. Meet and hang out with THE biggest douchebag EVER. No joke. Walter. Sucked. Balls. Everything about him S.U.C.K.'ed. For instance, as we were sitting on the splendid rock outside the cabin and watching the sunset over the lake, we spot Mr.Beaver working away, building his abode.

Walter: Are beavers mammals?
Tilly: Who cares.

Later on...

Walter: How many beavers do you think it would take to kill a human?
Tilly: Shut up.

Later still...

Walter is making a grand attempt to "impress the ladies" as he cruises through our camp site/bonfire on his bike jumping over things and recklessly riding over and breaking good fire wood...

YuppieWife: Who IS that?
Tilly: Walter.
Tilly to Walter: Dude, what the fuck?? Stop.

Needless to say, Walter and Tilly did not become BFF's over the weekend. And, seeing that he and I were the only "single" people on the trip, the "Tilly, you should make out with Walter" and "Tilly, why don't you let Walter sleep in your bunk" jokes were not at all amusing. To me. One time I threw up a little in my mouth at the thought. Good thing I had some Busch Light to wash that down. I mean, he literally asked TeacherLady if she planned on teaching for her "career" or "doing the whole kids housewife thing." Word for word. Douche. Oh, and he ate all our food, crashed at our cabin, told lame "listen to this..." stories, and didn't offer to pay one single cent. Die.

7. Go "endo" and tear up my right shin by colliding with a rock resembling some breed of porcupine. And then proceed to knock my spikey pedals into said shin getting back on my bike each time . Yeah, sweet. I'm sure the folks on the train this morning enjoyed playing connect the bruises on my legs. Fun times.

8. Hear squeaky squeaks in the top bunk...TeacherLady and MSUman really like to go after it after 8 hours of fighting in the car. While I may understand this phenomenon, there was no need to witness it. Thanks.

9. Wear spandex.

10. Bring books and writing materials to cabin in the woods with drunks and stoners and crazy mountain bikers. Just ain't gonna happen.

11. Witness the Nasty McNast lady CLIPPING HER NAILS on the fucking train. Come on, lady. Like I'm not already freaked out enough by the whole "germ infestation train investigation" thing. Red Line suckas.

12. See HubbyYuppie's "man toe." Pointed out by WifeYuppie on Day 1. Good thing he brought one pair of pants. Sweet.

Top 10 Reasons for this Blog:

1. I'm bored as hell.
2. I like to write, err, complain, err, express myself through writing. Yeah, yeah, that.
3. Never a dull moment here, folks.
4. People like me. Yet, I don't like people. Or, maybe the other way around??
5. I'm a follower. Jumping on this blogwagon is as good an idea as any of the others ones I've got.
6. I am self-absorbed (or self-absorbant). I'm a sponge.
7. People are stupid. I judge them. I will judge you.
8. I know how to spell. And use grammar correctly, although I may not always choose to do so. Deal with it.
9. I'm single. And in my late 20's. So that's funny in and of itself. And when I say funny, I mean fun. And when I say fun, I mean lonely and miserable and lame. But yet, still totally and completely awesome.
10. I'm bitter. And bitter is funny. I get drunk. I do stupid shit. I get post-drinking anxiety. I laugh. I get over it. Repeat. Come on. You know you want to do me, err, do it with me, er...join me.