Tilly's Five in Five:

Let's play a little game we're going to call five in five. Five of my biggest pet peeves all occurring within a 5 minute stinking time span:

1. Awkward door holding. If I'm like 50 feet away, just let the damn door close. I've got an arm, actually two. And last I checked they both work just fine. Therefore, I think that I can handle opening the door all by me lonesome. Because all you do by holding the door for an unnecessarily extended period of time is make me feel like I have to rush to get inside, so I clumsily run to enter the building through the door that you so graciously have been holding open for, say, 7 minutes, waiting for me to get there, thinking that you are being chivalrous, when, in fact, you are really just being a nuisance. And then I'm all "THANK YOU!!!" As if you just gave me a new and functioning ipod or something (because my flipping piece is on the flipping fritz for the flipping fifteen-thousandth time). For future reference, just go about your business, and I will go about mine. Thanks.

2. Talking loudly on cell phones is bad enough, but foreigners talking loudly in another language on cell phones goes above and beyond my capacity for living. Maybe it's because I feel left out. Maybe it's because I attempt to play "name that country" and fail miserably. Maybe it's because I have a hangover the size of Rhode Island. Speaking of, someone literally told me the other day that Rhode Island is not actually an island. Whoa, genius. I went to 4th grade as well. Where was I...foreign cell phone talkers. Is it some sort of thrill, pulling one over on us EFL's? Is this some conspiracy against me for not learning more than two languages? Can they not see or feel the stank eye that is penetrating from my skull to theirs? I guess not. Humph.

3. White socks and sandals. I will NEVER understand this. I literally cannot respect you Mr.Scientist Man. It matters not that you are curing cancer and identifying cells in DNA topoisomeres or whatnot...I can't stop looking at your damn socks/sandals combo and, therefore, I cannot take you seriously. Mandals are bad enough as it is, but SOCK MANDALS?? Really? You're really going to do this? If your feet are too cold for the mandals, just wear shoes. Is this too much to ask? Is it? Is it?

4. Unnecessary elevator convo's. He says it better than I. But, yeah, just had another one. And, yes, the elevator goes from the basement to the first floor to the second and then, you guessed it, the third, etc. Thanks for asking.

5. People saying "Happy Birthday" 5 times in 30 seconds. And by people, I mean my boss. And by my boss I mean that guy who is already an uncomfortable enough person as it is. Who then must continue the awkwardness by asking how old I am. Which then causes me to blush?? Why? I do not know. Am I embarrassed that today is the anniversary of my birth? I didn't think so, but my rosacea is singing a slightly different tune. Typically I try to ignore it [the birthday] until I get drunk and then I tell every.fucking.person that I see. Cab drivers...bouncers...bathroom occupants...my door man...cashiers...bartenders (for obvious reasons that usually pay off)...my mother(?)... your baby...that dog...uh, that guy. You get it. Btdubs, is there a problem with the fact that the shots I tend to order and be ordered (even without requests) tend to be "Purple Hooters" and "Red-headed Sluts?" Yes? Really? Shocker.

Thanks for playing. Carry on.

Tilly Plagiarizes:

This was just too good not to "borrow." I mean, I have read it three times and I still laugh. Outloud. To myself. But, no worries, my co-workers already think I'm strange, mostly due to the fact that my office is consistently 10 degrees hotter than the hallway, I never make an appearance at the daily "tea time," and I occasionally ride my bike here from the city, among other things. Obvi.

I hope I don't get sued. I'm not sure how this whole blog-borrowing is supposed to go. Props to Ari--she's the real deal.

And in the typical list format...

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

Why Tilly is Too Tired to Type:

1. Wedding. 6 hours away. Open bar. Grey Goose. 16 oz. "cocktail glasses." 4 hours of sleep.
2. High School Reunion. 2.5 hours from wedding. 3 V&T's before arrival. Awk and awk=drink more. Late night table dancing (What? Not by me). No effing cabs. 4 hours of sleep.
3. Dog eats bathing suit. "Wait, there's some. There's some more! What??" Forced mall trip.
4. Obligatory 'rental visit. Ahhh...cabin in the woods. But, MOM. Questions. Plans. Decisions. "Mom, seriously. My brain is dysfunctional; therefore I cannot adequately process any information."
5. Supposed 2.5 hours back to city+Construction+Gay Pride Parade+AHHHHHHH+"I can see my apartment building, but just.can't.get.there"=hurt box.

Tilly Said What? Wait, What??

after all is said and done....something still seems off. i pretend as if the reality that i just crashed into like a 20-foot icy wave has left me standing. yet, i am down. not for the count though. i am back up dueling with the force. my sentimentality has almost succeeded in defeating what's left of my idealistic tendencies. or wait, make that reality squelching the hope that burns within. not sure that fire can ever be out. embers, if nothing else, remain.

close calls. how close is too close to get burned?

if we're never satisfied, what are we looking for? db and i recursively addressed this theme. no apparent answer in sight. whirlwinds surround my frontal lobe. which direction i choose insignificant to the whole. keep hangin those pictures. see what you want to see. vision blurs to reveal.

peace out bra...moi

Um, okay...
1. What just happened?
2. I just came across this email in my hotmail drafts...never sent. Addressed to myself.
3. WT that? As YuppieWife likes to say. Seriously, W.T.F?
3. Is that me trying to wax philosophical? Is that even me? Who WAS that? Peace out BRA??" Whaaaat?
4. I was writing all lower-case, so that was def in my grad school days.
5. It was written on March 7, but no year--but I'm going to go ahead and use my "frontal lobe" and say 2003.
6. Tilly said what?

Tilly's All-Time Fave Athletes (in no particular order):

1. Dave Dravecky: You know, the pitcher with one arm. He had cancer and still pitched and he was just great. Plus, my Dad published his biography and when we lived in CA we got to go see the A's v. Giants (circa Jose Canseco and Mark McGuire) and sit in the fancy-pants box and eat cubes of cheese and drink soda and shit like that. And he was so nice and he remembered my name and I felt special. [This is basically my only non-superficial pick. I had to go ahead and get it out of the way. Now back to regularly scheduled Tilly behavior].


2. Tom Brady: He's hott. Butt-chin and all. And awesome. And he went to Michigan. Go Blue! And he's in my age bracket, so that's fun. Plus, he was the 3rd string quarterback at UM, therefore he wasn't just handed all of his success; he actually worked for it. Well, that and the injuries of the starting and 2nd string QB's may have helped a bit. And look at him now with the Pats, well, look at the past few seasons. Yeah. Do it. Or, rather, do me, TB!

3. Desmond Howard: #21 really pulled out some amazing wins for us. And by "us" I mean me and the Wolverines. Heismond and all. I guess he just reminds me of watching college football with my pops and then him having to go watch it in the basement and get all nutso and then ride the stationary bike to release some of his frustration and me still being able to hear him holler. Oh, those were the days. He can't really watch anymore because he gets too worked up. That and the fact that Michigan (football and basketball) has been struggling as of late...fine, for the past decade, whatever. No fair weather fan here, though.

4. Steve Yzerman. For some reason that I am still unaware of, I had a poster of him on my wall growing up. I mean, yeah, he's hott, I randomly liked his number (#19), and the Red Wings, and yeah, I'll support the local team. But, honestly, I don't really know where this came from...but still, he's hott, so he made the list. Deal with it.

5. Glenn Rice: If you hadn't noticed, there may be a theme here. Mainly involving U of M athletes. And although I lived in 2 other states (on either coast) and basically another country (UP) growing up, I have never relinquished my Great Lakes State roots and altruism. I'm loyal, what can I say. But Glenn and that smile, gah. Adorable.

6. The Fab Five: Duh. I also like all of the NBA teams that they have played for (while they are on the team)...well, for the most part. Jalen Rose is my favorite. Again with the smile. But he also seemed to be the kindest, most gentle and humble player. I mean, Chris Webber...I still hold a slight grudge against him (let's not even get into it...T.O.). Ray Jackson...what? Who? Juwan Howard...I don't know. Not enough substance. And that other guy... Exactly.

7. Golfers: Phil Mickelson (cute, even with the growing belly. The.Cutest.Kids. Ever. And his wife's pretty effing hott. Rough U.S. Open loss, and I mean ROUGH). Greg Norman (love the hat, always). Davis Love III (just do). But now, my fave at the moment is Aussie Adam Scott. Fine, he's one of those, "I have two first names as my name" kinda guy. But, honestly. Yum. And even though he always looks like he's doing "Blue Steel" in pictures, I'll still take him. No prob.



8. Jeremy Bloom: Yowsers. He's dealing with the "I'm such a fucking nasty athlete that I play two sports and one professionally and I get screwed for it" thing, but I mean, who isn't? Those dang Buffalos won't let him play because he gets free shit. There goes their whole recruiting process.

9. Dwayne Wade: Duh. He's hott and so, so smooth. Fine. He's kind of a ball-hog, but seriously, if you were that amazing on the court, wouldn't you be too? Yes, yes you would. Did anyone see him on Letterman last week? Delish. He was all color-coordinated and wearing a Sox cap and yum...and he was even kinda funny. And he's all about being a team player, at least in interviews. He must have a good PR person.


10. Snowboarders: We're just going to go ahead and name a few in this category, seeing that there are a shit-ton. After living in Breckenridge for two seasons, I basically got my fair share of the boarders, but, yet, I am still sofa-king attracted to this type. It's in my blood. I swear. (a) Terje Haakonsen. He's just got sick, sick skills. Yes, I just said that. (b) Victoria Jealouse. She's hott and awesome. (c) Todd Richards. Breck local. I used to scan his pass. No, really, literally. (d) Kelly Skater. Fine, he's a surfer, but he's oh so yummy. (e) Andy Finch. (f) Keir Dillon. (g) Tara Dakides. (h) Tommy Czeschin. Okay, I'm over this. Just too many.

How to Pick-Up Women/Tilly...Or NOT:

1. Playing Good Cop/Bad Cop: This is kinda like the "Ol Switcharoo," where one lame dude approaches and he's all lame and shit (Bad Cop) and then the other dude (Good Cop) comes over and does the whole "Is he bothering you? I can get rid of him for you" pseudo-manly-thing. Yep. I'm a damsel-in-distress. Please.Save.Me. Twice. These chodes need to learn some new tricks.

2. Calling them "angry women." Yeah, good call, genius.

3. Asking each of them to "slap" you. Whaaaat?

4. Boy: I have a question for you...we're sitting over there and the guy next to us is smoking a cigar and he claims that it's a very effective tool for getting women. Is that true?
Tilly [rolling eyes]: It may be more effective than that line.

5. Suit: Do you like my tie?
Tilly: It's purple.
Suit: But, you didn't answer my question.
Tilly: Yes. Yes I did.

Is Tilly Unpatriotic?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Maybe so.

Answer: C.

Explanation: Tilly went to a BBQ. Then Tilly went to a bar.
AirForce: Would you like to do a shot with me?
Tilly: Um, Okay. [Duh]
AF: I saw you at the BBQ and wanted to talk to you, but I didn't know what to say.
Tilly: Sweet. Stalker-style?
AF: No, just...what kind of shot do you want to do?
Tilly: Red-headed slut. [Duh]
AF: blahblahblah
Tilly: [Nodding...waiting for shot...Nodding...Uh-huh'ing.]
AF goes in for the kill.
Tilly: [taken aback] Uh, what are you doing???
AF: I just really want to kiss you right now.
Tilly: I don't even know you! Who ARE you? I'm not even supposed to be talking to you right now.
AF: I'm in the Air Force.
Tilly: So, what are you saying? Do it for the troops? I mean, I'll buy a yellow ribbon. Fine.
AF: blahblahblah
We take the shot.
AF goes in for it AGAIN.
Tilly: Dude! We're at a BAR. That is SO not my style. Thanks for the shot, and like, protecting us from terrorists and stuff. Keep up the good work.

Celibacy Month successfully continues.

Rando Tilly:

1. Remember that chick in "Say Anything," you know, the one Lloyd Dobler was pining after with his massive juke box and everything. Well, okay. I always wondered what happened to her and her cute little lisp...well, I found her. She had a minor, as in mini minor, role in the movie "Fever Pitch" with Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon, as one of Drew's "skeptical" friends. Yeah. It was totally her. Whoa, I just imbd'ed her ass and yikes. Strugg-a-ling. Her best recent role: Arrested Development. Her worst recent role: Everything else.

2. Karma? Yesterday at the gym I laughed (to myself) at this chick who ran face first square into the glass doors coming into the track area...but she laughed too, so I thought I was good to go. Today, I prematurely entered my office, as in I walked face first square into the wall. It was kinda scratchy. I thought it was funny.

3. We got new foamy soap in the ladies room. Exciting times, I tell ya. Exciting times.

4. I don't know how to stop talking. Seriously. I literally can't.stop.talking. Especially when I don't know what to say. Yeah. You'd think that I would STOP talking if I didn't have anything to say. But no. I just keep on keepin on. Inspiring, really. For instance, an hour ago a prospective grad student asked me how to get to the front of the building (genius). But, really, it is kind of confusing. So, I offered to escort him (I'm nice like that) because I had to go down there anyway. So, granted, all he has asked is HOW to get there and I go ahead and take it upon myself to take him to the fucking front door. So, anyway, I can't just let it be as we're walking, I'm like:
Tilly: Well, we could take the elevator or the stairs...
Tilly: Yeah, let's just take the stairs.
Boy: Okay. Um...
Tilly: (pointing east) See, that's east. The lake's over there. You can't see it right now because there are buildings in the way. But it's there. Yep. And the front of the building, that's west (pointing west).
Boy: Uhhh...
Tilly: Yeah. Everything is north, south, east, west here. No left, right. None of that. It's just the way it is.
Tilly: So, just keep going down the stairs until the first floor, then take a right and another right and aw, hell, I'll just show you.
Boy: Ok.
Tilly: Now, go that way. That's west. Out the door. Keep going. And if your cab isn't right there, keep walking.

Wow. That was real helpful of me. I didn't even realize the ridiculous banality of that situation until I just wrote it all out. You're welcome.

5. My ipod earbuds are invisible. I have been stopped 4 times in the last 24 hours by people asking me questions, mainly involving directions, while I am la-dee-freaking-da listening to my music and minding my own biz. I mean, granted, I am very smart and have a very impeccable sense of direction, but I doubt that you can tell that by just looking at me. But, hey, ya neva know.
*Sitch1: After work going to the gym...Two older, kinda scraggily-looking folks stop me. I mean, they kind of reached out to grab my arm. I stop. Take out earbud.
Jebus'Friends: We are starting a SUMMER BIBLE GROUP. Would you be interested in JOINING us?
Tilly: Oh! (shocked and somehow seemingly grateful for the opportunity) THANK YOU! But, no thanks. Thanks though. [Think I covered my appreciation at the offer, huh.]
*Sitch2: Walking home from the Yuppies BBQ (after several libations, among other things, ahem). Walking by bars and drizzunks. Wearing ipod. One boy says something (I cannot hear. Wearing ipod), looking at me (I'm still in my workout clothes and hat), pointing, grabs other friend. Friend says something (I cannot hear. Wearing ipod) with quizzical look on his face. Seems to be YELLING something.
Tilly: No thanks.
*Sitch3: Still walking home from Yuppies. 1 block after drizzunks. More drizzunks, but these geniuses are attempting to drive somewhere.
CollegeBoy: EXCUSE ME??!!
Tilly: What?? (taking out earbud)
CollegeBoy: WHERE IS GOOD BAR?
Tilly: Umm, take a left (puts earbud back in. Keeps walking).
*Sitch4: About to enter office building. I am late. F you purple line. F you. Lady in minivan driving recklessly through turnabout. Screeches to a halt (I can hear this. Even wearing ipod).
CrazyLady:ExCUSE ME?!!
Tilly: Um, what? Yes??
CrazyLady: HOW DO I GET OUT OF HERE?
Tilly:[confused by this question] Excuse me? Out of where?
CrazyLady: HERE! HERE!
Tilly: You mean, how do you get out of campus?
CrazyLady: YES! YES! I'm LOST! I CAN'T GET OUT!
Tilly: [Trying to calm this bitch down]. Yes, I know. It's very confusing...[tell her directions]
CrazyLady speeds away.
Tilly: Yeah. Sure. No problem. Beat it.

SATC, the RDA, and Why Tilly Ain't Yo Bitch, Yo:

While I heart me some 'Sex and the City,' I also concur with folks who think that the show did some serious damage to the dating world, and, by exposing various "dating games" and such, just managed to complicate matters even further. I cannot argue against this point; therefore I will not. I will, however, get the SATC peep's back regarding one issue--they did not succomb to The Relationship Disappearing Act.

The 'ol RDA. I'm going to go all "Master of the Obvious" on your ass(es) right now, so just be aware that I'm certainly not claiming any new scientific discoveries here or anything. But, back to the RDA. It's as if as soon as one becomes romantically linked to another, they go ahead and instinctively pull a selective memory slash RDA and conveniently neglect their pre-friends (pre-relationship friends, that is). However, in SATC, despite one of them, or all of them, being in a new relationship (and thus being swept up into all that couple crap--no denying it's existence, deal with it) and bailing on their pre's, they still manage to devote an acceptable amount of time to one another. Now, I may be selectively forgetting some occurrences, such as when Carrie sent Aidan over to Miranda's house when she had that whole naked-crick-in-the-neck-bathroom-floor thing going on. But, I will stand firm and say that for the most part, they rarely (if ever) pulled the full-on RDA. This, mes amis, is prob one of the lamest tricks in all the land. I get it. You like each other. You like to do each other. Whatev. But, just so we're all on the same page here...

Rules of the RDA:

1. Please call me and tell me how much you love me and miss me and then in the same breath tell me exactly WHEN I should come and visit (dates included) because HE will be out of town and you might get LONELY or skeered.

2. Please refrain from calling me until you need a fill-in for the evening because BF has a bachelor party, a boys night out, etc. Don't worry, I have nothing better to do. And if I do, I will obvi drop all my plans so that you don't have to briefly remember what it might feel like to spend an evening flying solo and sans BF/fiance/hubby. Oh, the horror.

3. Please only return my phone calls when you are in fight with BF/fiance/hubby. It doesn't matter if I was having a mental breakdown two weeks ago requiring a vicodin drip. Seriously. No biggie. Now, what happened?? Ahh, what a bastard...but yet, he's such a great guy who loves you and cherishes y...hello? Hello??

4. Please schedule "couples only" dinner parties and then when I "find out" pretend that you told me slash you figured I wouldn't want to come. Despite the old wives tale, being single is NOT a disease. Nor is it contagious. You will not catch it. And neither will he. Or any of the rest of the couples. And you know what? You're right. I don't want to come and talk about weddings and babies and claim to be SO drunk after two glasses of pinot and have to get to bed because I have SO many errands to run beginning at 8am tomorrow morning. Thanks, but no thanks. No hard feelings, honest.

Actually, come to think of it, this whole "relationship" thing is beginning to REALLY sound like the disease. It's symptoms may be early onset or they may only begin to present themselves over time. But, really, they're all the same, with the first one being RDA. Singletons take note. And please feel free to consult me about early detection, as well as prevention.

Kisses,
Tilly.

Why Tilly is Going to Live a Long, Lonely Life:

"Coffee and tea may reduce the risk of serious liver damage in people who drink too much alcohol, are overweight or have too much iron in the blood, researchers reported yesterday."

I'm not even joking.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/04/AR2005120400950.html

Well, that takes care of the long part.

Now I just have to continue living EXACTLY the way I have been since November in order to ensure the lonely part, which I have the utmost faith in myself to be able to do. Hey, this 'believing in yourself' stuff really works.

Dear Noisy Neighbor:

Ten Things I Hate About You (which is a great movie, btdubs):

1. Thanks for slamming your door seventeen million times this morning, and every morning and evening, for that matter. See, if you hadn't noticed, the doors in our awesome apartment complex are affixed with a weighted hinge, thus in order to close the door in a respectable manner, you must act as a buffer to it as it's closing, so as to inhibit the LOUD SLAM of said door. I know, I know, complicated stuff. I do sincerely appreciate it though--I was totes planning to wake up at 5am this morning.

2. Thanks also for being so rude to the Peapod delivery guy. Yeah, you're right. He should have totally known that sometimes the elevator will go down to pick up the stragglers/laundry-doers/work-outers in the basement prior to returning to the first floor to pick up your jackass of a self. What a dick, that guy. It was great how you displayed your condescending wit and "peacocked" that super stylie faux-hawk of yours.


3. Wow, it's so fantastic how you completely ignore me in the elevator all the time when it is just the two of us going to the same floor and then walking all the way down the hallway together to apartments directly across from one another. I have never felt more acknowleged in my life. How sweet. This friendship is really blooming!

4. Remember that one time that we both ordered take-out and by some stroke of genius luck, both delivery guys arrived at the same time and accidentally went to the wrong apartments and HA! That was hilarious. You were SUCH a sport about it all; the way you acted as if I didn't exist and then were blatantly rude to your delivery guy and loudly repeated your apartment number, as if he was retardo. I mean, that guy was a total douche. Who does he think he is, making a mistake?!?! After you slammed your door, me and my delivery guy had a nice laugh at how awesome of a person you are. Whatta guy.

5. Fine, really I only have like 4 things I hate about you and mainly they are the same thing. You are a self-righteous, audacious, disrespectful, impudent, insolent, boorish, uncouth, brusque, gruff, antisocial, grumpy, surly, indecorous, unseemly, arrogant, presumptuous, pretentious, inconsiderate prick. Kisses.

With nothing but neighborly love love love,
Tilly

p.s. FYI: If you're leaving your apartment to change your laundry downstairs, or throw your trash down the shoot (which is NEXT to your apartment), you can probably take a chance and leave your door unlocked. I mean, I know it might be risky, seeing that we have a door guy that knows EVERYONE and a locked entrance, but really, seriously, GET A GRIP.

Why Tilly Bailed on the Master Cleanse:

1. It.Sucked.Balls. Kind of like Walter from the bike trip. Worse, in fact.
2. The lemonade mixture, aka the ONLY thing I was allowed to ingest, tasted like, well, tangy yet sweet ball sweat, which I guess if you're into that, could be delish. My Mom thought it was. That was awkward.
3. It made me Capital C-Crazy. As in, close my office door and wail crazy. As in, "What the F is happening to me??" crazy. As in, pretty standard Tilly crazy.
4. Seeing that I could only drink the lemonade concoction, I began to realize that that also meant that I couldn't drink alchy. Not even on the weekend. And seeing that I AM an alchy, this just wasn't going to work.
5. Since I'm not really fooling myself (or anyone else for that matter) into thinking that I'm making some grand lifestyle changes, what's really the point of cleansing my body of all sorts of toxins when the first thing that I would do when I got off the cleanse would be to put all the dang toxins back into my body? It's kind of like cleaning the house before a rager...it seems like a good idea, but in the end, does it really make sense?
6. I obvi have no self-control, as displayed by my poor, pathetic life choices that I continue (and will continue) to make. Every.Day.

Tilly's Life AFTER the Master Cleanse Will Include:

1. No waiting in LINE for 30 minutes to get into a CLUB. Whaaat?
2. No consuming 4 Margaritas, 2 V&T's, 4 shots...BEFORE going out.
3. No half cab slash half walks of shame because you only have $6.
4. No randoms giving you their card while boldly stating, "Give me a call if you ever want to learn how to ride a Harley."*
5. While waiting in line for the WOMEN's room, No 300lb., 50-year-old MAN will exit said room, wave his hand in front of his nose and casually instruct you, "I wouldn't go in there if I were you. Whew-wy." Maybe next time you will heed his warning, genius.
6. No cabbies will force you to sit up front and then ask you out, thus requiring you to get out a few blocks prematurely (risking your life!) in order to protect your identity and living whereabouts.
7. No "cash only" honkitonk bars will be visited where there is BAR SOAP in the bathroom and cracked-out Fraggle Rocks playing on stage. Yeah, there would be none of that. But, really, there would because it was pretty awesome.
8. No REAL numbers will be exchanged with dbags who can't take a hint. And by a hint I mean flirting right back and agreeing to be taken on a date.
9. No families lives will be ruined after being forced to listen to you and your friend's trucker mouths detail the debauchery of the previous evening, leaving them to conclude that their precious little girl is never leaving the house.
10. No drunken text messages will be sent to people who now need to get the 'ol delete from the 'ol phone.
11. No movies starring Hillary Duff, Heather "Amanda" Locklear, and Mr.Big will be viewed. Okay, fine. They totally still will.
12. No ID's or wallets will be lost in cabs and/or during late-night 7-11 runs for Twizzlers.
13. No more shame spiral.

Basically, all will be good and well in the world once again. Well, in my world that is.

*Okay, first off, who's to say that I don't ALREADY know how to ride a hog. Fine. I don't. But still. Second, he did not utter one word to me prior to the aforementioned line. Thirdly, whaat? Wait, what?

Where Are They Now? I know, I know! They’re all Scientists!! Duh.

After hours upon hours of research, mainly involving growing up in the 80's and now working with Biochemists and other Scientist people, I have discovered where many 80's sitcom characters have gone to die. That or move on with their un-celebrity-filled lives. And they were right under my nose the whole time!

1. Buddy Lembeck: Apparently “Charles in Charge’s” BFF has been OD’ing on the Ginkgo Biloba for the past 20 years. He is now curing cancer rather than trying to make out with Nicole Eggert. Hmmm…He may want to re-think that one.

2. Screech: He’s got the look down to a science (no pun intended)…hair, bright shirt tucked in to short pants, etc. Throw in Lisa Turtle and Kelly Kapowski, and Zoink! He’s even got the distorted/contortioned expression to boot. Especially when he’s carrying chemicals in beakers and wearing his lab coat. Picture perfect.



3. Balki Bartokomous: Okay, there’s like 3 of them. But one in particular, who ironically, just came into my office asking for “coopier pa-pay,” flips my shit each time I see him. Now, if only we knew where Cousin Larry Appleton was…

4. Ramona Quimby: I know, I know, she’s not an 80s sitcom star, but seriously, she works here. She’s like an amateur detective on the side too. It looks like she cut her own hair, while tripping on acid and riding a roller coaster. Awkward in all ways…dresser, talker, even walker. She needs help. Maybe the Sweet Valley High twins could give her a makeover of sorts. Too bad they’re too hott to be scientists.

5. Paul Pfeiffer: Oh, we’ve got loads of these guys over here. Not surprisingly. They’re basically all the Paul Pfeiffer type—super smart, shy, no mojo, still play Dungeons & Dragons, thick/dark glasses behind which they conveniently hide, cowering posture, do the quick-no-teeth-smile/look-away when I say hi in the hall. Just plain sweet. Nerds, but sweet.

6. Vicky from Small Wonder: She doesn’t look ALL that much like her, but she’s an effing know-it-all and her “computer” seems to crash more often than not, which in effect causes other malfunctions. Most importantly, me wanting to punch her in the face and rip her “control pad” out of the back of her weird dress/apron thingy. And kick her chubby “brother” square in the junk.

7. That big/bully guy from ‘Parker Lewis Can’t Lose’: He gave me a ride to the train the other night from a work BBQ and seriously, I did a double take. Interestingly enough, I have met the real “Larry Kubiac” before. At an ‘Ugly Cassanova’ show in NYC. Rando slash Awesome. I think GoatBoy bought him a drink and made nicey-nice. Figures. Oh, and apparently he is on ‘ER’ now. Who knew?

8. Alvin: Sandra’s husband from the Cosby Show. I mean, I REALLY think it is him. Along with becoming a scientist after the show, he also picked up the habit of dousing himself with “Sex Panther” each morning before coming into the lab/office. And apparently, this shit has the staying power of white on rice, or something else comme ca.

9. Alf: FINE. He doesn’t work here. But how fun would that be?!!?

10. Carla from Cheers: Now, I didn’t really watch this per say…I’m not THAT old. I mean, I am, but whatev. We didn’t have cable then. But Carla, yeah, she’s like old, yet young. It’s strange. Curly cues all over the place, snide laugh, mom pants, etc.

11. Carol Seaver: How could we forget about her. But this girl is Carol circa big red glasses, curly ‘fro days, not anorexic/convict Carol. She’s always got that pout sorta thing going on and when she eats lunch at the same time as us, you can tell she wants to sit WITH us, but instead sits to the side and listens, occasionally throwing in conversation about her “experiments” or her “particles.” Basically stuff I don’t understand. So I tell her she looks fat and she runs away.

12. Generic Exchange Students: I can’t quite recall any particular ones, but we KNOW there were. So, basically, the rest of the folks here are, how do you say, foreign. Like, all of them, really. They could make up their own post, but we’ll do a quick synopsis:
a. Long Dick [Duk] Dong: does this whole bowing thing before he enters any office. Looks like he’s afraid, yet simultaneously being respectful. He also hovers outside the door until the office owner acknowledges his existence, rather than, say, speaking.
b. French chick from ‘Better Off Dead’: Okay, so this lady isn’t French, but hell, I can’t think of anything else. What she is, though, is fucking annoying. She seriously needs to shut.her.trap, before I shut it for her.
c. German exchange student: She’s pregnant. Like uber-preggo. And short. She’s like one of those exercise balls at the gym. The ones with the utters/arm things. Yeah, yeah. Exactly like that. And pronounces “jalepeno” with a hard “j.” AND she has a lisp. Weird, weird, and more weird. Plus, I met her husband at the aforementioned BBQ and he looks, get this, EXACTLY THE SAME! I’m not even kidding. I had to stifle my laugh when we were introduced. He also looks like a grown-up version of the kid from Jerry McGuire. That or Chicken Little. And he has a lisp too!! Hot damn. That baby is going to one cool cat.

So, there you go. Mystery solved.

Why June=Celibacy Month for Tilly:

1. Firstname FitzFirstname. When putting his phone number into my phone, put "Man I Love" in the details section of his contact information. We had met that night. At 3am. Asked me out via text, which read: "I like dinner. I bet you do to. How about tonight?"
2. LongIsland DJ. Sneakily got my phone number (on the plane) by asking to "see my wallpaper," then called his phone with my phone. Tricky tricky. He called me that same night, bribing me with "you won't believe what happened on my way home from the airport..." Didn't buy it.
3. Pop-a-Shot. Invited me to a Memorial Day party, was out of town for two weeks, asked me out via email (I was busy, but offered other times). End of story.
4. Canada. Also known as The Unemotional One. After 3 "dates" and several other "hanging out sessions," he wanted to stay in and watch the first season of LOST every stinking weekend. Wha?? Hello...courting much? That and the physical incongruities. Three.Effing.Months. Bye.
5. GoatBoy. Will anyone ever compare? I sure hope so.
6. Pittsburgh. Just got engaged.
7. MedSchool. Smooth back. Was afraid to tell my cousin. Pussy.
8. ElBoy. (Not)MissedConnection. De-nied.
9. 14th Floor Hottie. Uggo GF. Plus, the "conversations" that we have had were as follows:
(Sitch 1)Tilly waiting for the elevator, 14th checking mailbox. Elevator arrives. Tilly enters. Holds door.
Tilly (somewhat jokingly): Are you coming or what?
14th (hustling into elevator): Yep. Yep. [Presses 14th floor button]
Tilly: 14th floor, huh.
14th: Uh, yeah.
Tilly: Cool.
14th: Yeah.
Tilly: Must suck when the elevator's broken.
14th: Yeah, and it really fucking sucks when people are moving in all the goddam time.
Tilly (frightened): Oh, yeah. Totally. [Looks at elevator door, pleading for it to open and allow smooth escape]
(Sitch2): Tilly gets on elevator. 14th on elevator. Looks like hell. Smells like ass. Alcohol exuding from all pores. It's 4pm.
Tilly: Rough night?
14th: Rough morning.
Tilly: I see that.
10. BusMan. Apparently I wear a sign that reads, "Avert your gaze NOW!" That and I have been consistently sleeping 10 minutes late and missing the bus he rides. Unintentional? I think not.