DTR's & LDR's & Love Bubbles

Welp. Fiji and I had the DTR* talk last night. Remember that whole "I'm a fucking firefly" thing. Yeah. That. Again.

And, for obvious reasons, BigB and I are not going to try the LDR**. My choice, but he understands--which is part of the reason why it is so hard to give up on this, on him...before it ever had a chance to begin. BUT. But...
I'm going on a date tonight. With...wait for it, wait for it...my BOYFRIEND.

As LadyPedro would say, "Tilly is in a love bubble." Not to be confused with a FOAM party.

SICK.

*DTR= Defining the Relationship
**LDR=Long Distance Relationship

Flip-Flopper No More

Toilet life UPDATE:

1. Dinner with Fiji and friends last week went well. WELL. Like, really well. Did I mention it went well? Well, it did. It went well.
2. Lady date on Friday included Jimmy John's and leftover preggers tests. Don't worry. No one's knocked up. Drinks all around.
3. I think I may have been "in heat" on Saturday night. I was (surprisingly) not paying ANY attention to ANY guys, and DAMN!...they must have been able to see the "uninterested" costume I was wearing (seeing that I did NOT dress up for Halloween--which, btdubs, did you know Halloween originated in Ireland where they used to carve turnips rather than pumpkins because pumpkins were only found in Central America? We had "trivia" at my morning meeting. I failed. Miserably. As in, I got NONE right. Anyway. Bygones.) and they could smell my lack of availability slash disinterest and therefore of course they probably wanted what they couldn't have, as PBoo informed me when various guys were "checking me out." I laughed it off. And then, BOTH of my cabbies hit on me. On separate rides. The last one, Kamal, wanted to pull over and get the bottle of vodka that was rolling around in his TRUNK out and have some nightcaps. Uhh, No.
Tilly: Uh, there is something rolling around back there.
Kamal: Oh, yes. Vod-ka. You want some?
Tilly: Uhh, no thanks. I've outdone myself enough tonight. And it's 4am.
Kamal: Oh, come on.
Tilly: Um, no.
Kamal: You have a boyfriend?
Tilly: Yeah. Actually two.
Kamal: Well, I think you should drop them both and get with me.
Tilly: Yeah, uh huh. Right. Thanks for the ride. Have a good night. And keep that vodka in the trunk.
Kamal: You have a beautiful face.
Tilly: Thank you. [walking up my stairs] Good night.
Kamal: But...
Tilly: I said GOOD NIGHT!
4. Fiji was away all weekend. He came back yesterday. With flowers. FLOW.ERS. My favorite flowers. Fuck.
5. "Sports Night" is a GREAT show. I cannot believe it was cancelled after two seasons. Rent it.
6. I have to wear the stupid BOOT for two more weeks. At least. I thought that my doctor was joking when he told me. So I laughed. Out loud. And a lot. He looked at me, with pity, and said, "I'm serious. " Oh.
7. I just cancelled the trip to see BigB. I cannot do it. I know who I like and what I want. And he is here.
8. My life is not a toilet life.
9. I am happy.

Shocking.

Bloc Party Gets IT.

"This Modern Love"

To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You've been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I've been paid
I've been paid

Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile

Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
I will be yours
I'll pay for you anytime

You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
Jump left

What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?

This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me

Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me facts
Tell me facts

Throw your arms around me

--------------------------------------------

I should have written this song.

I could have written this song.

I mean, if I was a songwriter, that is.

In other news: I am having acute "stress" pains in my jaw, chest, ribs, and back. Great. The scientists gave me some Chai tea and a cookie. So much for the "Special K" diet. Sorry Ladies.

Advice I Wish I Could Take, rather than, say, Freaking the FUCK Out. No Really, I'm Calm Now. I Am.

"Don't be so hard on yourself."

"Just enjoy it."

"It's only been ONE month. Chill out."

"Go with your gut."

"Make a list."

"Stop stressing about it. Just let whatever happens happen."

"You're overanalyzing it."

"It's not like you're hooking up with Fiji and then heading over to BigB's for some action. You're not cheating on anyone."

"Stop thinking so much."

"Relax."

"This is what you've been praying about and wanting for so long. And now that you have it, you are pushing it away and finding excuses. Why won't you just let it happen? Let yourself be happy."

"Maybe you're not ready."

"Quit sabotaging your life."

"You deserve to be happy. You deserve love."

Tricky, Tricky, Tricky

Holy GARBANZO BEANS...this is getting sticky. STICKY and TRICKY. [It's Tricky to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time It's Tricky...it's Tricky (Tricky) Tricky (Tricky) .] So, I made the decision to try things with Fiji. Just Fiji. So I email BigB this longass email explaining exactly how I feel, as openly and honestly as humanly possible. It felt good. Then, he responds. With the BEST email that I have ever received. WHY? Why does he have to go and be like that? And now. Now, I am back to square one. Confused as all hell. Oh, and btdubs, BigB and Fiji are right NEXT to each other in my cell contacts. Hope I don't go and slip up one of these days...

Don't worry. I will. That's just how I roll.

Ohhh Neh.

Tilly has been revealed. I REPEAT. Tilly. Has. Been. REVEALED. Yep. It's been proven, time and time again...Tilly can't lie for SHIT. For SHiZnIT. And now, as a direct result, Fiji knows about this little here bloggidy. Awesome. Let's see how long this lasts NOW.

Fiji met Brother. I REPEAT. Fiji. MET. Brother.

Tilly did something REAL embarrassing. Including, but not limited to...1. M.O.ing in the bar. With Fiji. In front of Brother, DHockey, Dimples, my ladies, CANADA (most recent ex), uhh, some other people, some rando's, THAT guy, and yeah, uh huh. 2. Telling Fiji TOO much info about BigB in drunken stupor. And then having him recount all the details the next morning. AND 3. I can't even say. But just know, it was BAD.

Tilly's BOOT comes OFF TOMORROW. I think. I hope. Holy hell, I flipping hope!

Fiji is having Tilly's COUPLE friends over for a dinner party this week. Yep. We're really going there.

BigB invited Tilly to a big date weekend in MI...including a Red Hot Chili Peppers show and then the Michigan game the next day. F.

Fiji invited Tilly to go to MI for a B&B weekend to see the last of the fall leaves. F. The SAME weekend as BigB. Perfect.

In other non-drama slash SPORT related news:
1. Go BLUE!
2. Go Tigers! You can't NOT like the Tigers. You just can't. And if you do...GET BENT.
3. UhDon ran the marathon in 3:49!! Go LADY! WifeHockey ran it in 3:31 and qualified for the Boston. I am running it next year. Well, at least the 1/2. FINE.

That's all. And by ALL I mean...holy craptastically delicious. Is this really happening?

And yes, I realize my life is currently a romantic/dramatic/fucked up comedy. Thanks for pointing that out.

Even the Horoscope Knows??

Cancer: Two friendly planets are increasing your ability to enjoy intimacy in multiple dimensions. You're connecting with someone--mind, body, and soul. This is an intense sensation, but you love every minute of it. Just keep enjoying it.

*********************
Uhhhhh....will do. Thanks.

Mom Tilly's Take...

Okay. So now I get it. There's this gorgeous, sensitive, intelligent late twenties-something swf with off-the-charts standards in men. She's bored. She's lonely. She rides the train to work and begins dreaming up Mr. Right. He's cute. He's successful. He's available. He knows how to talk and how to listen. He's managed to exit adolescence and make his own way in the world.

Let's see. What else. Let's throw in a quirk or two. Frat boy--that's a switch for our day dreamer. Frat boy with a jeep, a pet fish, and a pet bird. Let's make the guy romantic--how about an airplane along with the jeep? Dreamer's mind wanders. She's still feeling bad about the dissolution of her family cottage. I know--frat boy has a replacement cottage right near by. That works. What else? Dreamer gets a call from way-out mom. Oh yeah, how about a guy who juices and uses essential oils? Nah--who would believe that. But we could add Sunday night pizza and Sanibel, so he'd fit in with the fam.

But how is she going to meet him? Dreamer looks around. Duh--the train. He's a compatriot commuter and she'll get his attention how? She breaks her leg, is on crutches, needs help carrying her bag? Too painful. Sprained ankle? Still a bit much. How about a slight bone fracture, a cute little boot he can comment about and then some amazing discovery that they love all the same music? That would be cool. He'll take her to a concert, fly her to the lake, entertain her on his private deck looking over the city. He'll sweep her away to the ferris wheel....

The train pulls into [redacted] and dreamer hurries to her office so she can begin writing her new fantasy.

---------
Like mother like daughter??

My Moms literally sent this to me in an email...

Meet the Tilly's??

So, my younger brother, Brother, will be in town tomorrow. His friends are MY friends, so there's no time conflict as far as that goes. The conflict resides in determining whether or not Fiji will be invited to do whatever it is that we do. I mean, it's one thing to meet the friends. It's another thing to meet the family AND the friends simultaneously, even if it is just Brother, who is probably one of the most laid-back slash funnest slash easiest people to get along with people that I know. BUT...it's been three weeks of real relations plus 4 months of nonverbal relations...so that adds up to about, well, I don't know...meeting the friends and family time?????

Cole Trickle?

Fiji has taken the lead. Not gonna lie. It could very well have something to do with the fact that he LIVES HERE, but regardless, it seems that he really knows how to "handle" me and my ways. Without trying to sickenly recount all of the shit that we do together and all that crap, I have a few things to share:

1. He is a juicer. I told my Moms this last night, and she interrupted me and said, "Wait, Tilly, Fiji's a GUY right?!" And then I went inside and told him. Good times. But he did make me juice (a carrot/beet/apple/ginger root combo dealio) and it was really good and he's healthy and stuff. And NOT gay. This we know fo sho. Even though he does yoga and likes Sarah McLachlan. Fine.
2. He made me a fresh fruit smoothie for breakfast and it may have been, no, no, it WAS the best I've ever had. I could get used to this.
3. He made me dinner by just "throwing some things together." And, again, it was effing yum.
4. We went and saw some bands last night...they sucked, kinda. Then he sucked, kinda. He left for a bit. I assumed that he was draining the camel. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. Show over. I walk outside and he is standing there on his phone. He mouths his apology. I, of course, act like I could give two shits and walk away to sit down and give him some privacy. 3 minutes. 5 minutes. 10 minutes later. He comes over and apologizes again. Whatever. Cab home. I stare out the window. Silent. He tries to hold my hand. I resist. He asks what I want to do now. I don't care. He lets it go. We go up to the roofdeck. I'm still being a stubborn little bitch. He lets me. He asks if I want to play bags. I agree. (DUH, I heart bags!) He gets up. I grab his hand. I apologize. We talk. His friend had called three times while we were in the show. He needed to talk. I get it. Finally. He's a good friend. I would have done the same thing. We talk more. He really knows how to deal with me. It's crazy. GoatBoy would always pressure me into talking right away. Before I was ready. Fiji gets me. We had our first "pseudo disagreement" and it couldn't have had a better resolution.

SICK. Sorry. But not THAT sorry. As MissouLady reminded me, it's been two years since I really liked anyone (besides GoatBoy) and it's my turn. So, suck it.

In unrelated news, the bubaru is busted. Just got off the phone and it doesn't look pretty, although they can fix it all today. I am already SO broke right now. This is BAD. HOWEVER, I had a great convo with the AAA guy, Wollbert, last night and basically know his life story. Then he kinda asked me out...
Wollbert: I am a sucker for beautiful women.
Tilly: Who isn't?!
Wollbert: If you were my roommate, I would be doin' all I could to make you my girl.
Tilly: haha...uhhh...yeah, my roommate is awkward. And he's met the guy(s) I'm dating. So I think he's figured out THAT's not going to happen.
Wollbert: What days are you off?
Tilly: Just the weekends [wait, oh no, is he? No, he can't be. Right?]
Despite the whole hitting on me thing, he was great and he dropped me off at the bar afterwards. To meet Fiji. I gave him a big tip.

Ummm...yeah...so...anyway...how 'bout them Bears?


Sorry, Matty.

Two Boys, One Tilly.

Welp, THIS has never happened before. And by THIS I mean holy hell heimlich in paradise slash hot hellacious beast slash Great Oden's Raven! I like TWO boys. TWO boys like me. Like, like me. I haven't a clue as to what to do and I'm kinda freaking out about it. And by KINDA I mean A LOT. A WHOLE lot.

BigB: Lives in another state, is in grad school and therefore not going to move for another year and a half, is substantially younger than me, is my brother's good friend, and is fucking adorable. We are into each other; there is no denying it. He makes me laugh and he is just so dang easy to be around...we just have fun together. We would have cute, smart, environmentally aware babes.

Fiji: Lives a half a mile away, established career, very adult-like, we met on the train (?), passionate, very cute, has a calming effect on me, very organic, wants this to go somewhere, and is way WAY intense. Again, we are into each other. He makes me laugh and we enjoy doing the same things and love the same music (which is VERY important to me). Ths connection is surprising and insane and we're powerfully drawn together. We would have intense, thoughtful, music appreciators for babes.

FUCK.

I used to not understand how people could be seriously interested in more than one person at a time. Now I do.

They both know about each other. I am honest, almost to a fault, about these things. I don't want to deceive or manipulate either of them. And luckily, they are both understanding and willing to wait. I mean, I couldn't contrive this situation if I wanted to.

FUCK. SHIT. DAMN.

p.s. I cannot even imagine what my roommate thinks of me. Seriously. About an hour after BigB left, Fiji came over for pizza and a movie. Gosh. Who AM I right now?

Lemonade From Lemons and All That Shit. Actually, LemonDROPS is More Like It.

I thought that maybe by writing out all the shit that has annoyed me today that I would feel better. As it turns out, not so much. So, I'm going to go ahead and get all "positive" on your asses and recount the things that I am thankful for at this very moment. This may or may not have been a "lesson" from FijiBoy. He's so fucking positive that it makes my cynical ass want to spew. But, yet, at the same time, it is probably exactly what I need. You know...balance.

Here goes:
1. It is Friday.
2. Which means that tomorrow is Saturday.
3. Saturday=Boozing + Football = Happy Happy Tilly Camper = Tilly's Party
4. BigB is in town.
5. My shirt is green.
6. Which makes my eyes look greener.
7. Less than 2 hours left in this box.
8. The scientists offered me ice cream.
9. I turned it down. Yay me!
10. There are two boys in my life that I like.
11. Which gives me hope about loving someone again, even if it's neither of these dudes.
12. I don't work outside anymore.
13. Lady Target Date tonight after swimming.
14. Happy Birthday to DRB and CMH! I heart you both!
15. Ummm, yeah.
16. Michigan is 6-0.
17. Is my favorite number. And also Fiji's hockey number in high school. Weird. And cool.

But...I still hate that old man who stared at my boot. HATE.*

*See, I haven't completely lost my edge.

Happy Dogoween!

My Moms sent this to me. Leave me alone.

EDIT: My REAL dog, well, my parent's real D.O.G. slash my Mom's youngest child. Willie.

Snow Boots

First snow today. Awesome. Despite it's name, the BOOT is not very boot-like in it's water-resistance or traction. That and the fact that it has an open-toe. Nice. However, it is rather warm and it goes mid-shin, so it's got that going for it. Or, rather, I've got that going for me, seeing that it is an inanimate object. I've seen several other unfortunate souls comme moi wearing the boot around the city. We exchange knowing, sidelong glances. I think we should start a gang of sorts. I'm not really sure what kind of activities would be held, but I KNOW it would involve sitting and drinking. Since those are two things which the BOOT bears no hindrance. I think I'm going to throw it out there next time I see a booter.

Speaking of sitting and drinking, I am throwing a get-together this weekend...it is called, "Go BLUE! Slash Let's Booze. And NOT Fall Down Any Stairs." Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and try to avoid that this weekend. It hurts. Plus, I only have a little more than a week with this boot until I get more x-rays to determine the next step, so I best be taking good care of it. I just had a little slash longass lunchtime swim. For a while I was the only one in the pool. Yep. Just me and the two lifeguards. I am sure they were concerned that I might drown in the 5 foot deep water. I wonder what they thought of my stroke. I liked swimming solo style because there were fewer waves and crazies splashing all over the place. But then again, it didn't feed my competitive side that tries to "win" and swim faster than the others. Eh, whatev.

Go Blue!

What's a Dickfer?

So, the little Dickfer slash AwkRoomie slash Mute went and dropped a bomb on me via email yesterday. He just casually mentioned that he won't be staying in our place after February. No explanation. No warning. Just BAM. So then I went and freaked out a little bit...I mean, COME ON. We JUST moved in. Maybe you could've mentioned this BEFORE we signed the lease? Thanks. Then I calmed down and realized that maybe this is what my parents are talking about when they say "blessed subtraction." Either way. He sucks. And there is NO WAY in hot hell that HE is breaking up with ME. HIM breaking up with ME! Aw, fuck no! I mean, obvi not really "breaking up," because SICK. But just NO. No Effing Way.

So then I "confront" him on the issue...and he explains that it has nothing to do with me and that he may be losing his job. Oh. Who's the asshole now?

[Tilly raises hand]

Either way...I will most likely need to begin finding a new roommate. Please send all applications to me: Tilly.

In other news...Fiji waited for me (as in, he intentionally missed his train) this morning so that we could ride the train together. Gross. And by gross, I mean how flipping cute.

In other STICKY sitch news...BigB is coming this weekend. And he may or may not be staying at my place. As in IN MY BED. Maybe. Maybe not. I told Fiji. He's not all that pleased, but, I mean, what's he gonna do? At least I was honest. Hmmm...is there such a thing as being too honest? Yes. Yes, I think there is. Oh well. A little jealousy never hurt anyone, right? Wait, right??


p.s. We are now being evacuated. Due to a CHEMICAL SPILL. Awesome.

GROSS. SICK. PUKE.

I spent the last 36 hours with Fiji. Sick. I know. Sunday after 25cent wings (which, btdubs, Never. Again.) with friends I headed over to his place where we watched "Winter Passing" on a big screen. On his roofdeck. In a hammock. Uh huh. Gross. Yes. I know. And we proceeded to drink 4 bottles of wine to our heads. Suffice it to say, I decided to take Columbus Day off. Thank you Columbus, even though you were a prick and kind of a dumbass and thought you were in India and named the Native Americans, "Indians." Anyway. And then we went to Navy Pier and rode on the ferris wheel. Nasty. I realize this. And then we talked. Like, really talked. Seriously, I will puke on my own head. I think I just did.

Freak

Tilly can't talk today. She's currently freaking the FUCK out.

Good talk.

Best to you all.

I Heart Jenny Lewis. For Reals.

I have a serious, SERIOUS lady crush on Jenny Lewis. She is hot and sexy and teeny tiny and redheaded and has the most amazing voice. I want to scoop her up and put her in my pocket. She wore cowboy boots with a long black cocktail dress to start the show, and so did the twins . Halfway through they had a "costume" change and she wore a sparkly gold mini dress, apparently her trademark. It definitely, without a doubt, trumped Clap Your Hands. Slaughtered. Oh yeah, and FijiBoy. He's pretty great too.

p.s. Jenny starred in Troop Beverly Hills. I knew I loved her for a reason.

Clap Your Hands and Say What?

The show...was...well...interesting. I had a good time. I did. But the voice of the lead singer, well, it kinda grated on me a few songs. Sometimes I dig. Sometimes not. BUT the keyboardist? The keyboardist was SO SO SO incredibly FUBAR'ed; it was quite a sight to see. Now I need to go do some inspector gadgetry because those kids were YOUNG. It seemed. The keyboardist was bouncing around stage at first and dancing and having a grand 'ole time and then something happened, like, maybe, say, he dropped some acid or maybe smoked some crack or ate a pound of shrooms, who knows, and he was FUCKED. Up. Seriously. I mean, I've definitely seen my fair share of musicians off their faces on stage...but they unplugged him. So then he went to the other keyboard and started pounding away. Nothin. Then he grabs a gui-tar. Again. He got nothin. This went on for far too long. They ended the show at 10:15ish. I honestly wanted to go check on him and be his nurse and maybe let him motorboat me. He was cute, afterall. But, then again, I was on a DATE.

But, who can blame the kid? He's probably like 20 or something and he's kind of a rock star now. When they came out for the encore they let him play, but it seemed a little tense. Actually, the whole second half of the show seemed awkward because it was obvious what was going on and there really was nothing that the band could do about it.

And that's my story. The end.

Aglow

I'm a fucking firefly. Sick.

Why Don't You Pick On Someone Your Own Size?

I'm having a hard time suppressing my feelings of sadness and confusion and disgust resulting from the brutal and inexplicable "execution-style" slayings of the Amish schoolchildren in Paradise, PA. (How twisted.) I heard the report again on NPR this morning, but reading the article on the train platform yielded a stronger and much more visceral reaction. I choked, literally had to choke, the tears back, as they seemed to physically block my airways and restrict my breath. What the FUCK is wrong with people? They're just kids, for fucks sake. Not that there is not enough shit going on in this world. We kill children.

I just... don't even know.

Once again. I know nothing. Thanks for confirming why I hate people, you sick, sick fuck. Way to take the easy way out. Coward.

Pre-Date Date?

FijiBoy asked me to see Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins for our date on Wednesday. Then, last night, in a moment of spontaneity, he bought tickets to the Clap Your Hands and Say Yeah show. For tonight. And asked me to go. And I said Yes. And now we have TWO dates in a ROW. What? I don't even know who I am right now. In order to feed my addiction to swimming/working out, I will be performing a covert operation at lunch today and sneaking off to the gym to swim. I wonder if anyone will notice my wet hair and overall chlorination upon my return?

In other news...I have a REAL date tonight.

At Least I'm Keeping Up With the Whole, "Avoiding Making Better Life Choices" Thing.

Well, well, well. Let's just have a quick look-see recap on the weekend, why don't we:

1. Friday can officially be called "Pick Up Car After it Was Towed Night" slash "Lady Date Chili Night" slash "So-Co and Lime Shot Night" slash "Let's Flirt with Old Friend Visiting from Seattle All Night Night" slash "Meet Your Neighbor at 4am and Get a Tour and Then Immediately Forget His Name so that You Will Look Like an ASS Later Night" slash "Whoops, Why is He Still Here? Morning."
2. Saturday can officially be called "All in the Name of Suck-n-Blow Shots Night" slash "Wolverine Mascot+LadyJoiey=MotorboatinSonsABitches Night" slash "GO BLUE, obvi! Night" slash "This Boot Does NOT Help in the Wasted Walking Department Night" slash "No, Really. Tilly Doesn't Need Sleep Night."
3. Sunday can officially be called "Let's Not Go Home for 24 Hours and Still Wear the SAME Outfit to Brunch and Around Town Day" slash "About Last Night is my New Fave Movie Day" slash "Giving Yourself Mani/Pedi's Just Isn't the Same as the Real Thing Day" slash "I Have a Date in TWO Days and I'm Kinda Freaking Out Day!"

To be expected, someone's got a serious, life-threatening Case of the Mondays.
a. I woke up late.
b. My Chicago Card is "damaged" and therefore no worky.
c. Therefore, I missed my train.
d. Thus no Fiji.
BUT, it's like 80degrees. (Outside...so, basically, that means nothing to me.)

Good talk.