Emergency Contact

I just broke through some sort of mental/physical block I've had for the past 10 years or so:

I just put my boyfriend as my emergency contact. Emergency. Contact. In an EMERGENCY.

While it may not seem the biggest of big deals to some more, shall we say, "rational" folks, it is/was to me. For what reason? I'm not entirely sure. All the years with GoatBoy, I never once put him as my emergency contact at the four different jobs I held while we were living in the same town/living in sin. And it was a deliberate choice, the choice of NOT picking him. Not choosing him to "rescue me" in time of an emergency, you know, like if I got injured sitting behind my desk, or perhaps had an allergic reaction to my FIJI water being spiked with codeine. WHO KNOWS? All I know is that I did not depend (or want to depend) on him that way. All the promises we made, the commitments, the determination to overcome the obstacles that stood in the way of us sharing a successful and fruitful relationship, were all moot, seeing that I basically never trusted him to take care of me the way that I wanted and needed and hoped to be taken care of.* The aspects of his personality that drove me crazy in the end, truthfully, drove me crazy in the beginning. I acted as one of those women at whom I roll my eyes, thinking they can "change" him. I mistakenly assumed that his immaturity would, indeed, mature. With time. Yet, I simply mistook his person. He will always be (well, I don't know this for sure seeing that I haven't seen him in years or talked to him) a hyper and energetic spaz. Me, not so much. What could have energized me, instead annoyed me. What others found endearing and exciting, I found exhausting and undependable.

My point here is not that you can't change a man. Although you can't. He can change, sure. We all change. We all grow. We all develop and adapt. My point, rather, is the importance of listening to ourselves and trusting ourselves to know ourselves. Who else is going to?** As the tritest as all trite sayings go, you really do just know. And you especially know when it's NOT right. As much as you may want it to be, you will feel it. If you let yourself. One of the hardest things that I have ever had to do was walk away from that relationship. Close the book. After we had started planning the details of the wedding (pre-engagement). After both of our parents' encouragement. After trying for years and years. After breaking up and getting back together because being apart just hurt too much. After everything. I just knew.

Anyway. Fiji is now my emergency contact. And I couldn't feel more safe, secure, and protected.

*Arrrgh, ending sentences in prepositions makes Tilly go bonkers.

**AGAIN with the preposition. Gee whiz.