Emotional Shit Show Anyone?
This morning I experienced what can only be referred to as an Emotional Shit Show. (I would do that little trademark dealio, if only I knew how. GOD MY LIFE SUCKS. Just kidding. Not really.)
Anyway. I'm moving forward and being what can only be referred to as Introspective as Shit on this fine (fuck-face) Wednesday morning. (Jeez. SOMEONE got up on the wrong side of the bed.) So I've noticed a few (ANNOYING) traits that I exhibit in the last 3 minutes that I would like to share with you people, just so we all know what we're dealing with here (A Crazy). Ok? I'm nothing if not uncomfortably blunt and straight-forward. (Pause...Not.)
1. If there are seconds remaining on the microwave, I must CLEAR them. Every time. I just can't stand to have those seconds remaining. Like, OH NO, what's gonna happen??! There are EXTRA SECONDS on the microwave timer! DEATH.
2. No matter what I'm doing (blogging), I must always minimize the screen when someone enters my office. Even when I'm doing REAL work. Therefore I look like a total SKETCH-BALL all the flipping time. Awesome. It doesn't help that I have the most ginormous computer screen known to man. Like, no joke. It's probably about 78 inches or something. But I'm really bad at estimating those types of things. But it's REALLY BIG. You're just going to have to TRUST ME on this one. OKAY?
3. If I'm at someone's house or at work or anywhere else using a bathroom that isn't my own and they have (idiotically) put the toilet paper roll in the toilet paper holder incorrectly, I MUST change it. I have no choice. I can't help myself. Kinda like the whole laces in/laces out debacle from Ace Ventura, except different. And sometimes it's REALLY DIFFICULT to get the holder thing loose, you know? So I would estimate that I waste approximately 3.2% of my life correcting asshat toilet paper roll placers. But again, I'm not good with the guestimations so it could be much, much more. Help.
4. I am currently in midst of Week 2 of what I like to lovingly refer to as "Operation: Don't let the cross-eyed lady catch me switching out her ass-nasty coffee with my special Costa Rican blend that I brought back from the homeland (not really, but I wish it was my homeland)." I'm thinking I should come up with a new title. It is, quite honestly, one of the most anxiety-provoking, nerve-racking missions of my life. I'm not sure what I think is going to happen if and when (hopefully NEVER) she catches me, but I'm like a coffee-making wizard. Or something. I'm in and out intwominutesflat and have mastered the process so I make just enough for my one cup and pour her craptastic triple chocolate mania shit back in and no one's the wiser. (Except for the other lady I work with coming in this morning and asking what I was doing. To which I responded, "Making COFFEE!? (DUH) Ever heard of it?" That sure showed her.)
Kill me now.
Anyway. I'm moving forward and being what can only be referred to as Introspective as Shit on this fine (fuck-face) Wednesday morning. (Jeez. SOMEONE got up on the wrong side of the bed.) So I've noticed a few (ANNOYING) traits that I exhibit in the last 3 minutes that I would like to share with you people, just so we all know what we're dealing with here (A Crazy). Ok? I'm nothing if not uncomfortably blunt and straight-forward. (Pause...Not.)
1. If there are seconds remaining on the microwave, I must CLEAR them. Every time. I just can't stand to have those seconds remaining. Like, OH NO, what's gonna happen??! There are EXTRA SECONDS on the microwave timer! DEATH.
2. No matter what I'm doing (blogging), I must always minimize the screen when someone enters my office. Even when I'm doing REAL work. Therefore I look like a total SKETCH-BALL all the flipping time. Awesome. It doesn't help that I have the most ginormous computer screen known to man. Like, no joke. It's probably about 78 inches or something. But I'm really bad at estimating those types of things. But it's REALLY BIG. You're just going to have to TRUST ME on this one. OKAY?
3. If I'm at someone's house or at work or anywhere else using a bathroom that isn't my own and they have (idiotically) put the toilet paper roll in the toilet paper holder incorrectly, I MUST change it. I have no choice. I can't help myself. Kinda like the whole laces in/laces out debacle from Ace Ventura, except different. And sometimes it's REALLY DIFFICULT to get the holder thing loose, you know? So I would estimate that I waste approximately 3.2% of my life correcting asshat toilet paper roll placers. But again, I'm not good with the guestimations so it could be much, much more. Help.
4. I am currently in midst of Week 2 of what I like to lovingly refer to as "Operation: Don't let the cross-eyed lady catch me switching out her ass-nasty coffee with my special Costa Rican blend that I brought back from the homeland (not really, but I wish it was my homeland)." I'm thinking I should come up with a new title. It is, quite honestly, one of the most anxiety-provoking, nerve-racking missions of my life. I'm not sure what I think is going to happen if and when (hopefully NEVER) she catches me, but I'm like a coffee-making wizard. Or something. I'm in and out intwominutesflat and have mastered the process so I make just enough for my one cup and pour her craptastic triple chocolate mania shit back in and no one's the wiser. (Except for the other lady I work with coming in this morning and asking what I was doing. To which I responded, "Making COFFEE!? (DUH) Ever heard of it?" That sure showed her.)
Kill me now.
posted by Tilly at 10:40 AM
14 Comments:
The question is, should the toilet paper go over or under?
OVER. All the way.
I hear you on 1 and 2. I am exactly the same way.
And although I am anal about the TP at my house, I've never changed it anywhere else.
I also must clear the microwave timer. And if someone leaves a file drawer open in the hall at work or leaves a cupboard door open, I must shut it.
If my office door is open when my boss walks by, he will adjust my door so that it is at a specific angle that is required by his crazy mental protractor. It must be as close to 90 degrees as possible, in his mind. Let me remind you, this is the door to MY office. So I usually leave it at 75 degrees or something, just to annoy him.
My God, I love this (and you). As soon as I read the title, I immediately felt better.
I've noticed that the toilet paper designers have started making little designs on the paper we use so that you HAVE NO CHOICE but to arrange it in the "over" position. Clever. Slash control freaky, but whatev, designers.
I'm the same with the minimizing. But that's mostly because at any given time, I usually have up Google Reader and Gmail instead of BoringAccountingShit.com or whatev.
I can't stand to have seconds left on the time either. It annoys me when B leaves seconds on the timer which he always does because he doesn't like to hear the beep. What happens if I need to look at the clock when I am in the kitchen? Geez
Dude, I'm so with you on the microwave thing. Ironically, I also cannot stand the sound of the microwave buzzer, so I always have to clear the seconds every time I use the microwave.
But number 3?? Oh no! I don't get why people are so crazy about the toilet paper rolls. I have a way, but if it's not my way, I don't freak out.
Also, I am a giant raging HYPOCRITE. See my response to number 3.
Can we totally be BFF's? Because oh my lord, one, two and three. And I heart you for number four.
1. I am the SAME WAY. Torsten always just opens the microwave and then when he closes it it keeps flashing "Press Start" over and over and it drives me CRAZY. But he NEVER remembers to press clear. EVER. GAH.
I'm definitely with you on the microwave thing. Annoying!
I should be better (aka more anal) about minimizing my screen. Just this morning, someone walked over to my cube to ask me how busy I am today (and if I could help her out). I (a little too late) minimized the window where I was playing Scrabulous and said (duh!), "Not too busy." Nice one.
oh dear! I don't even know which way the TP goes! Also I always leave time on the microwave. Let's never meet or else you'll hate me.
HA!! You made me laugh again, Thanks;)
D's whole family puts the TP on backwards. (WTF THAT) Therefore, he always does too.
Uhh I can see the microwave flashing from my bed in this CRAPPY temp. place of living and I want to kill it. Especially cuz I am up twice a night feeding the little guy and staring at the flashing microwave. uhhhh
I always have to clear the microwave, too. I justify it in this way: otherwise I am too stupid not to think that the remaining seconds are THE TIME. So I'm like, "It's 0:03? OMG WE ARE LATE!!!"
I just got up and checked my bathrooms, just for you. If ever you come potty at my house, use the guest bathroom. :)
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