A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

My boss just came in to try to "pump me up" for my recruiting efforts that officially commence today. It totally wasn't awk at all. Nope. Not at all.

I have an appointment to check out my lady bits today at lunch. Is it weird that I paid extra special attention shaving this morning? Uhhhh, Don?

The wedding planning has officially begun. Holy wow this is intense. I'm scared.

Cubs Opening Day is TODAY! Woop! GO CUBS GO!!

Fiji's been sick with the flu for the past several many days. While I hate for him to be sick, I kinda secretly love taking care of him. Like, a lot.

This post is so lame. I suck at life and living.

p.s. Lest we have forgotten, here is yet ANOTHER picture of my ring and my faux wood desk. Yes, I'm still taking phone pictures of my ring at work. WHAT OF IT. (Mmmm, sparkles.)

Forever and For Always

So yeah, HI! I'm ENGAGED!! It's all pretty flipping fantastic and, you know, AWESOME and holy hell it's just all so fun! Anyway. I'm back at work slash reality and let me tell you, this work thing is SO overrated. BUT. We had quite the whirlwind of a weekend and almost didn't make it to Sanibel which probably would've severely fractured my heart. Basically, we missed our flight on Thursday because they CHANGED IT. Like, oh, it's FOUR HOURS EARLIER changed. I almost died. And then Fiji basically had to give them a kidney (or a million-gazillion miles) in order to get us on a flight to FLORIDA during Easter slash SPRING BREAK. At one point the lady was just like, um, sorry. There's nothing I can do. I pretty much started hyperventilating so Fiji asked me to go sit down. Good thing because that's when he was like, "LADY. LOOK. I'm trying to PROPOSE to my GIRLFRIEND this weekend. PLEASE MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN." So an hour later we had tickets in hand (for the following day) and were told to come back tomorrow. Yeah. So that happened. On Friday we flew (First Class! HEYO!) into West Palm Beach, rented a car and drove across the state where my parents were waiting to drive us to the island. So YAY! We made it!!

And then it rained. Like, A LOT. A lotta lotta rain. It finally started to clear up in the late afternoon so Fiji suggested a walk on the beach. FINE. My nephew wanted to come along, but my Daddo managed to distract him without me even thinking twice.

And then we walked. Pretty far in fact. And talked and talked and walked and it was just so us. So comfortable and intimate and thoughtful. And of course I had to stop to take pictures every two seconds, which was nice. Then I became obsessed with these two clams for, oh, a WHILE. And when I finally stood up to continue on our voyage, there he stood. With the most glittery sparkly shiny thing I have ever seen. And he asked me to marry him. And what did I say? SHUT. UP. No joke. First words. Then I yelped or something similarly attractive. And pretty much jumped on top of him. Then I was so excited I thought I was going to throw up. (Of course I had to share that information with my FIANCE.) And then I am not sure what happened because I blacked out. I think. But I do know that I laughed a LOT and was bouncing all around. And then a DOLPHIN swam up to us. Seriously. I am not even joking. It was the coolest. And now I am engaged to marry the best friend that I have ever known. Forever and for always.

Now to the good stuff: PICTURE PAGES!

The notorious clams!

The notorious dolphin!

The notorious JEWELS!

Mrs. Fiji (To Be...)!!!

What started in the second car of a train in the so-called Second City has turned into the greatest love I have ever known. Or will ever know.

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying.
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine.
No, no, no, no, no.
Nothing else will do, I've gotta have you.
Gotta have you.

So, the last four posts that I have written I have posted and then immediately taken down. WHY? IDK. I suck at life. Clearly.

Anyway. Today is Wednesday which can also be referred to as FRIDAY in the TillyFeej household since we are going to the beach tomorrow! Well, we won't technically get to the beach tomorrow in time to get a tan, which is obviously the most important aspect of the beach. But still. The sandy beaches will be approximately 50-100 steps away (I will report back on the specifics next week). In addition, I will get to see my whole familia which is always fun and exciting, including three small munchkins (redundant much?). In addition to that addition, my Mom has informed me that Willard Scott is our next door neighbor. HEYO! (I had to google image his ass to make sure I was thinking of the right person. LAME.)

So yeah. That happened.

UPDATE: ALSO. I am wearing sneakers* to work today (REBEL!) and they were the same ones I wore on Saturday (aka The Day the River Turned Green slash The St. Patricks Day Parade That I Couldn't See slash Clusterfuck Central). As I'm doing some lady bizness, I notice some JELLO SHOT stains. Yeah. True story. And I wasn't even the one who SPILLED the nastyness on me. Nope. It was FIJI. He so graciously accepted the offer of a GREEN jello shot from a burnt orange teenybopper then didn't share any with me and THEN spills it all over my shoe. AND this all happened on the train. BEFORE noon. And all I got was some sticky green shit on my shoe. The end.

*Fiji claims I am the ONLY person who uses the phrase SNEAKERS. I'm not, right? RIGHT?!

p.s. They are not running shoes, those are different. They are ROCKET DOGS!

I'm a LEPRECHAUN!

After spin class this morning I was just plain pissy. No reason in particular, just 'cause. Then I took a shower, put on some green, ran out into the living room, announced that I was a leprechaun and attempted a jig. It was awesome.

Tomorrow we are starting our day with some cocktails (the way the Irish intended it) and then heading downtown to see the St. Patrick's Day Parade and gape at the green river. (I'm kinda grossed out about that, btw.)

Today's TWOTD is: GAPER. I'm not sure what Webster's definition of gaper is, but after years of living in Breckenridge we called all the tourists GAPERS as their mouths gaped open as they stared at the magnificent mountains. (It's a mountain, stupid.) They also gaped at people walking down the street and snow, but whatever. GAPERS! I taught my family this phrase and it became like my Moms favorite word of all time. She would often use it incorrectly, but I let it slide. Anyway, there are tons of GAPERS downtown, especially at parades and festivals and shit. So I am mentally preparing myself ahead of time so I don't lose my shiz tomorrow when people are all up in my business and do not know how to correctly walk down the sidewalk or ride the train.

ALSO! I was doing a little research this morning, as in I googled "fun Irish words," and GUESS WHAT!?! TILLY is a FUN IRISH WORD!! Can you even believe it?! I can't.

Tilly: (from tuilleadh, 'an additional quantity, supplement') used in Ireland and places of Irish settlement such as Newfoundland to refer to an additional article or amount unpaid for by the purchaser, as a gift from the vendor (OED)

DUDE. How exciting is THIS!? Answer: SOOOOO exciting! Basically my name means a super sweet stash! Or FREE SHIT! Yesssssssssssssssssss. AND I've always wanted to GET a NEWFIE, so basically it's meant to be.

This is the best day of my life.

TWOTD

The Word Of The Day.

Let's start with yesterday's TWOTD which was weasel. IDK why, but I think I used weasel approximately 17 times yesterday. In various (inappropriate) contexts. And it made me giggle with delight. So it's a keeper. Maybe it will be TWOTD everyday. That's just how good it is.



TWOTD today is ass-nasty. (I guess that's more of a phrase. WHATEVER.) As in, I ran out of my sweet nectar coffee and was forced to drink the ass-nasty blend of The Cross-Eyed. It was ass-nasty. (Shocker!)

That's all the time I have today folks. SOMEONE (who maybe makes a habit of wearing RIPPED dress pants) is trying to get their money's worth these days. The nerve!

TWO Posts in ONE DAY! Who am I?

The following is a REAL gchat that took place this morning. It is true. ALL true, but yet totally and completely UNREAL.

me: My boss has HUGE RIPS in the BACK OF HIS PANTS today
I have yet to see it but OMG
SOMEONE has to tell him
me: OMG OMG OMG!!!
Lady Pedro: haha
who is going to tell him!
how awk!
me: IDK IDK
not ME
also, apparently he's worn them BEFORE
Lady Pedro: and they had the rip then!?!?
me: YES! That is like THE definition of awk
Lady Pedro: what is WRONG with him
where is the rip located
me: beneath his BUTT
like, the back of his upper, upper leg
Lady Pedro: oh god
horrible
me: I can't stop laughing. I feel sick.
Lady Pedro: hahahah
me: Also, when she told me I could feel my face BLUSHING
Like I am embarrassed FOR HIM
it's just too much
TOO perf
TOO awk
Lady Pedro: hahahahahaha

And this completes the "Why My Office is AWK to the MAX" portion of today's program.

I Hate REM (The band not the sleep stage)

I feel like I'm always blabbering on and on about how people at work are awk, people at the gym are awk, I'm awk, or my life is made up of awk. I guess I feel that way because it's true. I'm like the Awk Complain Conductor or something. DEWAI. (Don't Even Worry About It for those of you who are in the unknowing stage of our relationship.) NEWAI. (NOT Even Worrying About It.) (If you don't know, now you know, N-word I can't say.)

So, since clearly the AWK is my theme, let's commence. This morning I was talking with a co-worker about swimming (?) and I casually mention how I used to be a synchronized swimmer when I lived in CA. And she looked at me (more like EXAMINED) and she's all, "You LOOK like a synchronized swimmer."

And then I felt weird inside.

And then she goes on to tell me I'm SHINY.

And then I touch my face.

And then she's like, "Not your skin, like you are a shiny person. Bright and cheery and stuff."

Me: Oh. Ok.

(Little does she know that I document why I hate people on the internets all the livelong day. (For Stephanie.))

The end.

It's funny 'cause it's true.

True DOUBLE TRUE. (For Tessie.)

Cuidado, cuidado. Apisamijado.

Last night I went to a spin class that I haven't been to in a while and HOLY HELL those people take themselves WAY too seriously. This coming from someone who wears spandex shorts and clip-ins! First of all, this one dude put his towel in the back pocket of his Uber-Biker-Sweat-Wicker-Shirt? COME ON, MAN. Our bikes are STATIONARY, as in NOT MOVING, as in put your towel on the handlebars like everybody else. Secondly, when we FINALLY are allowed a 30 second rest period to DRY OFF and get a DROP OF WATER, do not piss me off and run run run and pretend you were not completely dominated by that hill. Puh-lease. I'm watching you. Cuidado, cuidado, apisamijado.* Thirdest, well, IDK but there was some other crazy shit going on up in that piece. But I got too distracted trying to determine what exactly the shman was two rows in front of me. Even after an uncomfortably extended and perplexed staring sesh, results turned out to be inconclusive. Shman it is. In sum: Anything you can do I can do better; I can do anything better than you.

*This is how I say it in my head (and outloud). **
**This makes little to no sense (none) in this context. BITE ME. (But not too hard.)

Well, That Was Predictably Awk

Today I was lucky enough to again experience the awk that is The Office Birthday Party. The half-assed singing, the unnecessary standing around, the uncomfortable silence, the gross artificial cakes, the forced small talk. I actually asked my co-worker, "So, Tom, what projects are you working on?" (Who AM I?! I'm scared.) But today's little gathering was even more awk because it was the birthday of the boss man. For the picture he held the (cake-cutting) knife up like an axe murderer. No joke. I also broke the unnecessary standing bull shit by taking a seat at the far-end of the table--behind the fake tree. A few minutes later people followed suit allowing my anxiety level to drop significantly. I then witnessed conversations involving getting "destroyed this weekend" and how raisins really add a lot to cereal. Invigorating. But the most interesting event was the "alternative" vegan cake that was offered. (I even tried it, breaking my no-eating-in-front-of-coworkers-stance. It was actually good. Fiji would be proud.) Apparently the boss's favorite hobby is "healthy eating." Which I didn't know was a hobby, but, well, fine. Who am I to judge when my favorite hobby is documenting why I hate people. On the internets.

Ceci, My Love

In lieu of posting another Whine-Fest 2k8 post, I am leaving you (for the weekend) with Ceci. The little piggy who stole my heart in Costa Rica. In addition, I think she may have stolen my positive attitude and sense of humor, hard to tell, but that may have been lost a while back.

Don't you just LOVE her and (I started to say "want to eat her up," but that seems totally inappropriate) want to hug her and kiss her and love her forever and ever Amen? Well, I do. So FALL IN LINE. (I kid, I kid.)

And here is a little bonus view of our sweet-ass cabina. (Someone's a teensy-bit vacay-sick (as in the opposite of home-sick, get it?), wouldn't you say?)

I am back there. If only in my MIND.

PEACE.

*Photos courtesy of PhotoFace. She's got mad skills.

Emotional Shit Show Anyone?

This morning I experienced what can only be referred to as an Emotional Shit Show. (I would do that little trademark dealio, if only I knew how. GOD MY LIFE SUCKS. Just kidding. Not really.)

Anyway. I'm moving forward and being what can only be referred to as Introspective as Shit on this fine (fuck-face) Wednesday morning. (Jeez. SOMEONE got up on the wrong side of the bed.) So I've noticed a few (ANNOYING) traits that I exhibit in the last 3 minutes that I would like to share with you people, just so we all know what we're dealing with here (A Crazy). Ok? I'm nothing if not uncomfortably blunt and straight-forward. (Pause...Not.)

1. If there are seconds remaining on the microwave, I must CLEAR them. Every time. I just can't stand to have those seconds remaining. Like, OH NO, what's gonna happen??! There are EXTRA SECONDS on the microwave timer! DEATH.

2. No matter what I'm doing (blogging), I must always minimize the screen when someone enters my office. Even when I'm doing REAL work. Therefore I look like a total SKETCH-BALL all the flipping time. Awesome. It doesn't help that I have the most ginormous computer screen known to man. Like, no joke. It's probably about 78 inches or something. But I'm really bad at estimating those types of things. But it's REALLY BIG. You're just going to have to TRUST ME on this one. OKAY?

3. If I'm at someone's house or at work or anywhere else using a bathroom that isn't my own and they have (idiotically) put the toilet paper roll in the toilet paper holder incorrectly, I MUST change it. I have no choice. I can't help myself. Kinda like the whole laces in/laces out debacle from Ace Ventura, except different. And sometimes it's REALLY DIFFICULT to get the holder thing loose, you know? So I would estimate that I waste approximately 3.2% of my life correcting asshat toilet paper roll placers. But again, I'm not good with the guestimations so it could be much, much more. Help.

4. I am currently in midst of Week 2 of what I like to lovingly refer to as "Operation: Don't let the cross-eyed lady catch me switching out her ass-nasty coffee with my special Costa Rican blend that I brought back from the homeland (not really, but I wish it was my homeland)." I'm thinking I should come up with a new title. It is, quite honestly, one of the most anxiety-provoking, nerve-racking missions of my life. I'm not sure what I think is going to happen if and when (hopefully NEVER) she catches me, but I'm like a coffee-making wizard. Or something. I'm in and out intwominutesflat and have mastered the process so I make just enough for my one cup and pour her craptastic triple chocolate mania shit back in and no one's the wiser. (Except for the other lady I work with coming in this morning and asking what I was doing. To which I responded, "Making COFFEE!? (DUH) Ever heard of it?" That sure showed her.)

Kill me now.

This one makes no sense. SORRY.

Since I am pretty much a lamo hermit-head these days, I am not often forced to endure awkward "run-ins" with rando's who I hoped to never see again. Praises. However, I can't expect to sail through my city-life in such a blessed manner. Curses. I can, however, pretend to be so self-absorbed or obsessed with the button on my sweet-ass fingerless, elbow-length gloves that I don't notice the awkward "run-in" upon me. Take, for instance, last evening. I was simply minding my own beeswax chatting with a friend at a local diner when she looked frighteningly alarmed and continually and somewhat psychotically began to repeat "Alexis, Alexis, Alexis!" (Names have not been changed because I don't GIVE A SHIT.) I panic, "WHAT!! I don't even KNOW Alexis!" "Yes you do you idiot! (She didn't really call me an idiot. That's my artistic freedom coming in.) It's Veronica's brother's cousin's ex-girlfriend. You know! The one with the BROWNIES!" "Ohhhhh yeah!! Ha. I do remember those brownies. (They were the special kind. If you know what I mean and I think you do)." Anyway. The rest of our dinner was pretty much ruined because I was completing my assigned duty (assigned to myself, by myself) to eavesdrop on her conversation. With her new (uggo) boyfriend. Basically I learned nothing because I was too distracted by her two french-braided braids.

Worst story EVER.

So There's That

Sia rocked. (Despite the granularly poor quality of this camera phone pic.) Unfortunately, the opening act, Har Mar Superstar, was disturbing and quite nauseating. In fact, he stripped down to his tighty-reddies by the end of the performance. And, trust me, it was NOTHING that you would ever (never ever) want to see all the days of living your life. NOTHING. I mean, it was slightly entertaining, but my mouth was agape (= DRY = needing to be whetted = too many beerssss) the entire time. And it looked like the bassist was humping his guitar, which was nice.

Sia also regaled us with tales of her "Uh-Oh Bum" after a particularly regrettable airport Taco Bell value meal experience. Hearing someone discuss their diarrhea issues has never been so endearing and CUTE. I guess that's what an Australian accent can do. (Sorry, Hope.)

In other news, I am (somewhat slash majorly) embarrassed to admit that I had another "Sloth-Style Sunday." But what really blows my fucking mind is that I cannot simply allow myself to enjoy my extreme lazypantsface and instead I must hate on myself all day rather than, say, getting up off my ass and doing something (ANYTHING) productive. I hate myself. BUT, Fiji and I did rearrange our kitchen cabinets (Wheeeeeeee!) on Saturday morning. So there's that.*

*Favorite way to end a post/email/text/story ever. EVER.