The Bachelor: London Calling. Romantical!!

So, remember that time when I told you all about how our TV bulb broke or burned out or whatever? So yeah. About that. We still haven't replaced it!! Each day a piece of me dies inside. Except not really. But Fiji is pretty much in heaven. He didn't have a TV for most of his adult life (WEIRDO!) and would prefer that we never watched TV. However, I like TV! I DO! I mean, I don't need to watch it every day or anything, but there are some shows that I want to see, NEED to see.

And one of those shows is The Bachelor. I am NOT ashamed. I have pretty much watched every season since it's inception. I am not above the Bachelor. It gives me pleasure. Mainly because I'm like, WHOA, I am SO much cooler than ALL OF THEM. So you know, it's an ego boost if nothing else. Also, I would never go on TV to find "the love of my life" while millions (okay, thousands) of people watch and judge me and editors edit the shit out it to make it more interesting. I do, however, have a slight to major crush on Chris Harrison. Probably my favorite part of the show is when they show little outtakes at the end. Those are the best parts! They actually show people's TRUE personalities (for approximately 15 seconds). Also, I like when Chris is on those little snippets. And then I want to call him up and see if he wants to maybe hang out this weekend and throw some bags on the roof or grab some beers or something. Anyway.

For those of you who aren't watching (FOR SHAME), the Bachelor this season is a Brit and he's kinda silly, kinda dorky, kinda hopeless romantic. And I like the way he talks and stuff. So that's nice. Anyway, last night this "sweet" southern girl got the big 'ol boot and she was PISSED. Like, FIRED UP about it. It was awesome. I mean, I do kinda feel bad for the girls at the end because he's totally telling them ALL the same thing and pretty much leading them on and what not. "I'm really falling for you..." or "I love...being WITH you..." or "I can see a future with you..." You know, the usual stuff after like 3 dates. (Not like I should talk seeing that I moved in with Fiji, oh, three months after our first date. WHATEVER. He's buying the WHOLE COW now!)

Anyway, I think I may have lost my train of thought here. Oh well. Clearly we're discussing (slash I'm writing) some REAL important, life-changing stuff. But, just one more thing...one of the ladies who opted for the "Special Suite" with the Bachelor brought along a "special surprise" to show him her "romantic side." Can you guess what it was??! CAN YOU?! Well, it was a black dress lingerie thingy. Yeah. See-through and everything! But the weirdest part about it, if it can GET any weirder, is that the camera showed her changing the WHOLE TIME and TAKING OFF HER UNDERWEAR!! WHAT!?? I literally had to look away! What is the deal with THAT?! Anyway, that really showed him! SO ROMANTICAL!

DARE: Completely Ineffective and Potentially Counterproductive (OOPS!)

My Mom came into "the city" on Wednesday to do the whole Mother-Daughter Wedding Dress Shopping Extravaganza Thing. Her first request was to come "see my office" and "meet the awk boss." I caved and allowed both to occur. As you might recall, Wednesday was the day I was christened "Lisa" in the office space. When she called announcing she made it on the "EL," I shared the special "Lisa" story and begged her not to say anything to the boss man, which honestly she may have, had I not said anything. Anyway, after I introduced her to the man (which was HOLY HELL AWK times infinity!) as quickly as possible, she of course insisted on sharing a memory of my childhood . OF COURSE. I mean, WHY NOT. I could feel my face beginning to flush as I attempted to subtly (which is so not in my vast skill set) inched my way closer to the door (slash freedom from the awk torture). (I should probably note that I work on youth tobacco related research. So there you go.)

She proceeded to tell him about this one time when we lived in San Francisco and went to see the Giants (and then continued to debate with herself about who they were playing that special Spring day...NOT IMPORTANT. MOVE ON. Also, I am TOTALLY her daughter.) and as we were entering the stadium I saw a man smoking and apparently yelled, "YOU SHOULDN'T SMOKE! Smoking KILLS! You are going to DIE!" And wagged my finger in his face repeatedly. I must have just had a special DARE brainwashing sesh that week or something, as I was kind of a shy child and I don't recall being so anti-smoking and I certainly lost that inner passion when I picked up the habit of smoking Marlboro Lights like a champ at age 16. But those were also the days where I swore I would NEVER do drugs and certainly NEVER have pre-marital sex. Just randomly click on any month in my archives for confirmation of my past life choices. Shitshows and toilet lives and shame spirals aplenty!

My Life is Made Up of One Awk Moment After the Next

My boss just introduced me as Lisa. LISA!!

Uhhhhhh?

This goes without saying, but AWK MUCH!??!?!?!?

So That Happened...

The dress shopping, that is.

When we arrived at the first place I almost threw up. Really, I almost did. I felt super nauseous as soon as I saw the huge, poofy gowns. Then, to make matters worse, there was a bride behind the (see-through!) curtain and she was like on this tall pedestal thing looking at a three-way mirror with a gaggle of women ooh-ing and ahh-ing and I wanted to die. DEATH would've been better than that. My lovely friends saw my panic and informed me that I didn't have to do that. PHEW. Then when the lady came out and started asking me questions about what I liked and wanted to try on I drew a total and complete blank. Like blacked-out blank. I just stood there, stammering, "uhhhh, uhhhh, ummmm..." Seriously. How can I be a real, live person?? I'm such an AWK spaz! Anyway, my people saved the day once again. I think I maybe said like 20 words the whole hour-long sesh. I just didn't know what to say! But this one time when she was putting this dress on me my shoulder came out of the socket, which was fun and totally NOT AWK at all. Then she was like, "Um, miss, please don't do that again." I was all, "Um, lady, it wasn't ON PURPOSE." GEE WHIZ.

Then we went to this other place and I loved almost every dress! So that was awesome. What was NOT awesome was this psychotic bitch STARING at me the whole time. Seriously. (I really doubt she was giving you the stank eye. That's just the way her face looks.) I know I talk a lot of shiz about punching people in the face and stuff, but I think I really could've punched this broad. Right in the gut or neck or something. I think punching someone in the face would, like, severely hurt my hand, but the gut or neck seems softer and thus less painful for the puncher. Plus, getting the wind knocked out of you hurts like a bitch! Alas, I am a peaceful being and therefore chose to ignore her and frolic around the salon instead.

The last place I went to I got to choose which dresses I wanted to try on myself! So that was cool. But OMG I was sweating like a donkey and then the whole idea of trying on these dresses that OTHER PEOPLE have tried on (possibly SWEATING) started to really creep me out and stuff. I think the lady (who saw ALL OF MY LADY BITS) noticed the sweet sweat fest and turned on the AC. Lifesaver! Then this other lady started helping us too (who was way more helpful than the first lady, I might add) and the first lady was telling her what kind of dresses I like and she was all, "NO BEADING. NO BLING. NO LACE. NO FROUFY." And then I added, "SIMPLE." And then I got scolded, as she clarified, "We call it CLASSIC."

Well, sooooooooooooooooooooooooorry.

The end.

Someone Is Bothering Me! SHOCKER.

I have discovered another group of people to hate on, if you can believe it. Which clearly you can't since I'm constantly spewing the love around these parts. But. Anyway. The Winner(s) is (are): The People Who Stand Up On The Train WAY Before Their Stop And Proceed To Move Through The Train Towards The Doors For No Apparent Reason. People! COME ON. You make everyone around you annoyed and inconvenienced and you make us want to punch you in the face and pull out all of your hair. Seriously. Also, you make me anxious, which, granted, is not all that hard to do, but whatever. There is no need to get up. Really. Just relax! Take a load off! Please remain seated! Chilllll. I'm just minding my own biz and you gotta get up all concerned like, as if you are not going to be able to get off the train at your specified stop. YOU WILL. Trust me. You are really fucking up the rotation slash balance of the train-riding-world when you do this. Seriously. Quit.

Also, Happy Friday!

The One Where I Copy The Shit Out of Those I Love (i.e. Tessie, Slynnro, etc.)

Thing the First

Someone had a few too many Bud Lights at the Cubs game last night and as a result almost strangled a chirping bird named Goose this morning. Someone also had a few too few hot dogs. Tear. Someone also had their first craigslist experience of buying tickets yesterday and it was grrreat! The lady sold them to me for FACE VALUE (unheard of!) and basically dropped them off at my office. It was amazing! (I'm not even mad!) So that happened. Oh, and we (as in me and the Cubs) WON! FUKUDOME!!

Thing the Second

My first classes were basically a shitshow. I could not even BELIEVE the complainers I've got in my class. I was all, SUCK IT UP PEOPLE! We are all ADULTS here! Unbelieveable. Then we went to see Widespread and sat in the nosebleed of all nosebleeds section. Literally. I didn't even know seats that high were LEGAL! HEYO!! But the second set I geniusly led my people to the front row corner where we proceeded to dance our faces off. Well, I did. It was unreal. Then we went home and I tried on my wedding dress which was totally awk and weird. We (slash PhotoFace) decided it wasn't THE ONE. Now I've got to be a real bride and go dress shopping this weekend. For real. And I'm scared. For real.

Thing the Third

I've got foggy beer head today and kind of the shakes. Which is pretty ideal in any and all work situations. School-night drinking is NOT FOR ME. Anyway, we are having a POTLUCK this weekend! POTLUCK! We used to have potlucks in college all the time. Yes, I was a total hippie. Yes, I made my own clothes. Yes, I followed Phish. Yes, I used to wear STICKERS on my FACE. Yes. Yes. And yessssssssssss.

Good year!!

Nerdfest 2K8

Tonight I have my first class and, not gonna lie, I'm a bit nervous!! I'm starting a random class at a random time and all my classmates are in the same cohort and have been taking classes together for like a year or something! I'm the new girl once again! Although, having moved around a lot my whole childhood, as well as my transient adult life, I'm pretty much accustomed to filling that role. HOWEVER. I did get some new highlighters (!) and a Five Star Notebook (WHATUP!) so I've got that going for me. I love school supplies with a deep, longing passion, so I'm pretty much amped on all that ink and paper. I wanted to get this cool multi-color tab roller thingy (sorry--it's hard to explain!) but Fiji pulled my drooling self away from the office supply section so we could enjoy the sunshine that was last weekend. Now they're forecasting SNOW and RAIN for the ENTIRE WEEKEND. Sandbagginsonsabitches. I've got class all day tomorrow anyway, so I guess I won't be missing out on much.

Wow. Can I BE any more of a NERD?

In other wedding-related news, I tried on my first dress last night. It arrived in a box at my front door! Just for me! It was pretty sweet. However, it was a bit anti-climactic since I tried it on by myself in front of a not-full length mirror after I had just bought tampons and goldfish at Walgreens. I called my mom and I was all, "Uh, facebook Mom? I am standing here in a WEDDING DRESS!" I think she kinda cried. And then I kinda cried. And then we hugged it out. Over the phone. Kinda. Anyway, it was too big, but it was still real exciting in a weird way. Uh, people? I'm a BRIDE.

A Little Bit Obsessed Over Here

Okay, so I promise, promise, PROMISE that this will not turn into a total wedding blog (not that there's anything wrong with that) or lovey dovey post haven, it's just that I'm GETTING MARRIED and it's all so new to me and so, so EXCITING. Also, I will be sure to fill you in on our "wedding vision" as it gets clearer. Mainly it's going to be simple, eco-friendly, and elegant. We want it to be more of a party slash celebration and less of a production. Simplicity is the name of the game for us. So there's that.

With that being said, my Mom just emailed me the link to the store where she bought her dress (and still FITS INTO!!) over 30 years ago and HELLO FANCYPANTS! I am now in LOVE with this one dress. Like, I can't stop thinking about it I want it so badly. I'm OBSESSED. Is this normal?? HELP!

In other, non-related news: My Mom is on FACEBOOK. Yeah. No joke. She FRIENDED me the other day and I'm all, uhhh, WHAT?! I, of course, accepted her friend invitation, but then I posted on her page, "Uhh, Mom?" It made me feel weird inside when I realized that my Mom now has access to pictures of me shotgunning beers, slapping my friend's asses, and drinking Old Style on the streets of Chicago. (She'll be so proud.) You know, similar to all the pictures of me drinking Boones and smoking Benson & Hedges 100's that I kept hidden from her in the drawer next to my bed (slash journal) growing up.

The Love Bubble Has Returned

Last night we took our first official step in the wedding planning process and met with our awesomely fantastical photographer. I am pretty much totally and completely in love with her. And I think Fiji is too, so it's fine. I mean, I want her to be my FRIEND. And go grab drinks with her and talk and take pictures and stuff. It's weird, but it's my life. Anyway, it was pretty freaking exciting to meet with her and talk about our "wedding vision" (sorry, that's icky) and look at her work and drink wine and basically fall in love all over again. (With Fiji, too.)

We told her about how we met and it just was so good to remember all that led up to our finally even TALKING and I still just can't believe how blessed I am to have found my love. The truest, most pure love. This morning in spin I actually got all choked up thinking about the whole thing and how I am just so, so happy. Down to my core. And I am so, so in love with Fiji it almost hurts. Remember that time in My So-Called Life where Angela and Rayanne are sitting in the back of the cab (?) going home from that club and Angela says that her ideal love proclamation would be, "You are so beautiful, it hurts to look at you." Remember that? That was awesome. And that's how I feel. Except for with love. It's like, I love him so much it hurts. But in a good way.

Classin' it Up. Since 1978.

This morning on the jam-packed train I smooshed myself in between two over-sized diva bags and practically hugged the spiked-hair dude's patch-covered backpack in front of me. I held on with two (surprisingly strong!) fingers. About two minutes into the ride, the spikey-dude and his friend appeared to be looking at me and laughing. I did NOT find this funny so I gave the one dude the nastiest stank-eye I could and went about my typical morning commute of avoiding all other potential eye contact. I think I read the sign about the Currency Exchange (it's on the corner of Clark and State, FYI) about 317 times. Approximately. Although the spikey-dude had his back(pack) to me the whole time, he managed to turn around and smirk slash laugh at least three times. I almost punched him in the kidney. (But his backpack was in the way.) Then he somehow managed to get in front of me getting off the train, so I menacingly acted like I was following him (not really, I was just going that way too). He stopped and waited for his friend (weasel!) so I "stepped up" in his direction (not really, I tripped). That really showed him.

About an hour later, I used the ladies room and discovered I had smoothie remnants in my two front teeth, toothpaste on the corners of my mouth, and a big old zit in between my eyebrows. You can't get much classier than that.

I'm all Grows Up

Hellllloooooo SPRING! I've missed you SO! I probably shouldn't say that since it's supposed to dip back down into the low 40's later this week. Which is awesome. But this was the first spring-like WHOLE weekend and we sure took advantage of it and basically sat on the roof deck for hours and hours each day. So that was nice. I even got a little BURNT. Also, the Cubs WON both days! Woohoo! We ended up getting randomly AWESOME and FREE tickets to Friday's game, which we lost, but whatever. It was still fun and did I mention FREE? Because it was.

Friday we also tried something new and different and went on a date planned by yours truly (that's me). I got all sorts of mad creative and planned dinner and a movie. WHOA. No one's ever done that before. But Coobah was delish and I'm so in love with that place (and their sangria!). Then we saw The Counterfeiters at the Music Box in the teeny, tiniest movie theatre in the history of movie theatres. And it was good. But holy hell sad. I mean, the girl in front of us was a total and complete wreck the whole time. BAWLING. Not even ashamed or anything. Which, I mean, it was devastating and I really can't blame her for getting upset at all, but I'm just not that open with my crying in public, I guess. Let alone bawling and convulsing. So the whole thing made me feel weird inside.

Then we went home and went to bed (before 10pm on a FRIDAY) because we are clearly 87 years old and also very, very lame. And then we did grown up things like take the car to the shop (Fiji) and go to the early EARLY spin class (me). To make matters even more lame, we then completed required readings and assignments for class (me) and cleaned the entire stairwell, including swept! and organized things (Fiji). All while listening to the Cubs game on the RADIO.

Good God, holy mother! WHO ARE WEEEEEEEE?!

Probably Best NOT to Follow Me

Yesterday morning when I left the gym at 8am, I was too lazy slash kinda sweaty to put on my pants (I was still wearing shorts, DUH), which caused several many stares and "You CRAZY" looks from strangers. Which, clearly, I love. So anyway, I'm walking down the street with the on-the-way-to-work folks in winter coats and boots and stop on the corner to wait for the man tell me it's safe to walk. But I, like many or most city dwellers, take the crosswalk sign dude as a gentle warning or slight suggestion as to when to cross or not to cross the street. And since the sun was at that potentially disastrous level where it's ALWAYS in your eyes NO MATTER WHAT and manages to hit the stoplight at that perfect angle where it's simultaneously red, yellow, and green, I almost managed to kill about 10 people. Which would've really sucked. Hard.

So, basically, I am walking along in my shorts, ALREADY identified as The Crazy Lady, and then I look up and see the light turning yellow (which, as we all know, is followed by red) and therefore take that as my cue to start walking across the street since the cars will be stopping soon and such. Well, I start walking, and so do about 10 followers. I get about 5 feet in the street when I realize that WHOA those cars are NOT slowing down. Like, at all. Sooooo...that's weird. Quickly I look up to the stoplight and nope, still green. Still not time to cross. Uhhhh, whoops. Then I exclaim (LOUDLY), "Oh SHIT!" And start backing up with my arms outstreched (protecting my followers!) to encourage the others to retreat. I look back to both sides and I'm all, "SORRY PEOPLE!!" And really, I was sincerely sorry for risking their lives by distracting them with the shorts and then seeming to try to get them run over. It was an ACCIDENT. Honest. They were kinda pissed. But maybe they should make their OWN decisions rather than following the crowd and all. Didn't their Mom ever tell them about the jumping off the bridge thing? GEEZ.

p.s. 6 months from today I'm getting MARRIED. WHAT!

Fear Factor: Technological Deprivation

On Sunday the unthinkable happened. First, our TV bulb burned out. The HORROR. We were in the middle of an epoisode of The Wire (Fiji's latest obsession) Season 4 (don't spill any Season 5 deets, kapeesh?) and it just went black. Like the whole ginormo screen. To be honest, I wasn't all THAT phased because it's not like we were watching the season finale of The Hills or My House is Worth WHAT or anything. I'm more of a "fair weather" Wire watcher. In fact, I like to use it as my sleep-aid. Then, of course, Fiji ends up watching the last 45 minutes of every episode twice, but that's how much he loves it! He doesn't even MIND!

ANYWAY. So, the TV died. And it was sad. But I was half-watching, half-guzzling wedding books and magazines and websites at the time so I was pretty much fine with it. A few hours later I was on the phone with my Mom discussing what other than wedding ideas when I hear Fiji shout SHEEE-IIIIIIIIIIITT (like the dude in The Wire, you know. WHAT? We're obsessed. And lame. WHAT OF IT. (Hi, new phrase I am in love with and want to marry! But I can't because I'm ALREADY TAKEN!)) So, I think to myself, "Self, whatever just happened goes under the whole umbrella of 'Not My Problem'." So I leave it be. And then come the worried-catastrophe-sounding un-words from the living room, so I take refuge in the bathroom where I can barely hear the moans and groans of the Feej. A few minutes later I can't take it anymore, so I go to find out what he's done this time and find him scrubbing the rug where a pint of Guiness has spilled. Uhh, hello? GUINNESS people. GUINNESS. It takes me a few minutes to notice that the laptop is in the downward dog position. DRYING OUT. The god-forsaken Guinness has spilled ON the COMPUTER. (The files are IN the computer?!) DEATH. I start to panic but change my mind and run to the kitchen for a beer instead. Because BEER (non-Guinness beer, of course) solves EVERYTHING. It's a scientific fact.

So there we are. Out a TV and a COMPUTER. On a SUNDAY afternoon. In the COLD WINTER. TV is one thing. But COMPUTER!?! NOOOOOO! I am in the middle (slash beginning!) of planning a WEDDING here people. I NEED the internets. And by golly THEY NEED ME.

Fiji implemented a "Don't You Dare Touch slash Think about Touching the Computer" ban for 72 hours, but the ban has since been lifted. Last night I stopped at Walgreens on the way home and purchased a cute little 72-piece miniature tool set. I cannot even begin to describe the awesomeness of this set. I fell in LOVE. It's just so LITTLE and CUTE. Plus, it was $3.99. SCORE! So anyway, the tool set and I went rushing home and I proudly presented it to the Feej who immediately began taking apart the laptop (SCARY!) and I even got to touch the insides! It was life-altering. And then he put it all back together (Computer engineer WHAT UP!) and I ran to get the battery. And then...it MAGICALLY turned ON!! Like, all by itself (not really)! I think I may have peed myself. Just a little.

So, let the wedding planning mania RESUME! All's well that ends well. Or something. (Except still no TV, but I can still watch The Hills online! HEYO!)

I Guess I'm in "The Club"

So, I had an interesting experience at the 'ol doctor's office. Shocking, I know. As I'm sitting there in my paper "shirt" and "skirt," the doc comes in and she's all "What's new?" And CLEARLY I was like, "I just got engaged!" (Sidenote: I have been seeing her for a couple of years and she's young and insanely blunt and I like her. A lot. So obviously she NEEDS TO KNOW these things.) And she got SO excited and grabbed my finger (almost pulling it out of the socket!) to gush about the ring and asked me how it happened, etc, etc. Except for usually when people ask me those questions they aren't putting on rubber gloves, telling me to lie back, and poking around in my lady bits. But you know, WHATEVER. Apparently she was in Ft. Myers (just across the bridge from SANIBEL--where we got engaged) that SAME WEEKEND! For reals. So that was kinda weird slash cool. (I guess.) And then she tells me that she TOO is engaged! A real live doctor-bride!

So there I was, talking about how he didn't actually get down on one knee (such a rebel that Feej! Really bucking tradition!) at the beach with her head between my knees. (Is anyone elses life this awkward? Seriously.) Also, to be honest, I'm not sure how much she was concentrating on checking out the old area (not THAT old) and it sure seemed to go by quicker than usual. Anyway, we're good to go.

Then as I'm trading in my paper "gown" for my real, NON-CRINKLY clothes, I overheard her telling the nurse all about my engagement! And I'm all, "What the...?" But then the nurse comes in and she's engaged TOO and we were all such GIRLS about the whole thing and it was just so, SO strange. And kinda creepy. But in a good way? Kinda?

Then she gave me a tetanus shot, drew some blood for a cholesterol check and sent me on my bride-to-be way. Now my arm feels like it weighs, oh, a MILLION POUNDS, and someone VERY STRONG was punching it ALL NIGHT LONG. Which is nice.

So that happened.